SAHM v. Working mom...my view!

I'm back! Blogging...what is blogging?! It's been so long I can hardly remember! As of 11 a.m. today I am a stay at home mom again, so *maybe* I will be able to find time for this. Even if no one else cares about what I have to say, it's nice to look back on these!

So...SAHM v. Working mom...sorry to all the SAHMs that I know, but working when you have kids is harder than staying home. I have done both and this is my verdict. I have worked for the last year, both full and part time, mornings, evenings, days...I've tried it all. It sucked. It sucked for me, it sucked for my husband, and most importantly it sucked for my kids. I finally decided I was done when my 10 year old informed me that she would rather have her mom home than have presents under the Christmas tree.

In my experience, the worst part about working was finding child care...and affording that care...then TRUSTING that care. I can say I had some wonderful people watch my children. They were in good hands and safe and even loved (most of the time, we had the few assholes that didn't last long)...but it isn't the same. My kids need me. I know them like no one else does. I understand that when Mylee has a meltdown over being asked to do the dishes, she is likely tired. I know that when Austin spends some time alone in his room he probably just needs a hug and to be told that he's loved. I know that when Hailey gets in one of her moods, it is best to just let her have some time, then go talk to her about what's going on, then give her more time. I know that telling Colton "no" is going to result in a major temper tantrum/meltdown these days and it's best to ignore it and he will snap out of it in no time. I know them! I can handle them better than anyone else in this world! And for those times that I don't handle them just right, I know I will be forgiven easier than most because I am mom. Basically, my kids need me to raise them and knowing that I wasn't able to do that was killing me.

Another part that was much more difficult was time. I never had enough time...no time to pay bills, no time to sleep, no time to enjoy bedtime with the kids, no time to spend with my husband, no time for me. I was always working and trying to juggle everything else. I'm not saying that a working mother cannot do all of those things (I did...kinda...for a year) but it really is so much harder! I kept thinking that I would get used to it, we'd find a routine, I'd manage my housework better...nope. It always sucked and it was always hard. My house has always been a bit messy but when I was working it was literally destroyed! We lost our first rental deposit in our last place because I just could not keep up with everything and it was just bad (also, because the landlords were a little crazy, but that's another story). And school events?! I don't even know where to start! Telling a 6 year old that no one will be at his program at school that he's worked so hard to learn and remember and then seeing that hurt in his eyes when he says, "It's okay," and you just know that it is most definitely not okay...there is no amount of money in the world to make up for that!

But what about the money?! How will we survive financially without it?! Well...without going into too much detail about our financial situation...we will be fine. Upon looking at our current situation, we found that my income was being spent on, well, nothing important...except daycare...which really makes zero sense! I'd rather live without some of the extras we've had lately than to work my life away and neglect my kids for them. I was never as stressed out over anything when I was a SAHM, money included, as I have been by most everything since I started working! And honestly, with the job market in the town we live in, my almost minimum wage, part time jobs weren't really making us rich!

So, the point of all of this is that I am thrilled to be able to stay home with my kids...to know that they are being loved and taken care of by their mom, to be here when my husband gets home from work and here to kiss him when he leaves, to be sure the kids do their chores and homework and brush their teeth before school and bed, and to have time to handle household responsibilities that I have slacked on for the last year. I am also extremely excited that I will only have to put on pants and a bra on the rare occasions that I have to actually leave my house!

*Disclaimer: These are my feelings and opinions based on my situation and experiences! I don't care what anyone else does. If you want to work, more power to ya! If you stay home with your kids, awesome!

Life with five!

It's been a while since I've blogged...again. I should do it more often, it's therapeutic for sure, but who has the time? Not this girl.

Maci is now 3.5 months old and life is hectic to say the least! We are getting ready to move in just a week now, we get the keys to the new place next Friday! I am in school full-time and finished my last two classes with 96% and 97% and jumped right into new classes the next day. I feel like a damn school bus Monday through Friday. I drive round-trip to the school three times a day! That's three times of putting Maci in her carseat and taking her out of it, three times up and down the stairs with two-five kids trying to herd them into the car and into their seatbelts and usually three of Maci's naps interrupted. I am not in love with half-day kindergarten at all. Then, on Fridays the kids get out early. So I get to do all three trips between 9:00 and 1:15. So much for any type of schedule for the little ones! Hailey has started volleyball recently as well so that means taking five kids to sit through hour long practices. They do not love it. On top of all of this, people are coming randomly to look at the place we live in now to see about renting it once we move so I am under pressure to keep it pretty clean at all times....and pack our stuff.

Bj got a job and he's still going to school full-time so Monday through Saturday he is gone pretty much all day. I am super proud of him for getting a job that he loves and still being so dedicated to school. I could not have found a more amazing man for myself and these kids. But it sucks. I miss his help. Trying to wrangle five kids in the grocery store by myself has been an absolute adventure at times. Just making dinner is an adventure most nights. Our precious Maci is pretty insistent on being held constantly so I either hold her and cook or turn the radio on loud enough to drown out the crying when I know she's had everything she needs. The bigger kids typically do homework while I cook dinner so Colton gets put in his booster seat at the table to do whatever. It is seriously like a damn zoo at my house. I am fortunate that my kids are super independent and get themselves ready for bed and school (the older ones anyway) so those times aren't too chaotic. I have released total responsibility of their homework to the kids so if they get it turned in, yay for them! If not, oh well, guess they'll learn next time. They have all been really good at it so far!

I think the biggest struggle I have right now is myself. I looked in the mirror yesterday and I don't even recognize myself. I used to be this cute, skinny, fun, crazy, party-girl who never left the house without makeup, hair done, and cute clothes! Now, I am a fat, not-so-cute, grumpy, tired, stressed lady who showers every 2-3 days, wears pajamas to the store, and would much rather get a baby sitter to take a nap than go have a beer. I miss me. And yes, this is where I should insert some shit about how amazing my kids are and how it's all worth it because they are the best thing that's ever happened to me, but I won't. That's not how I feel right now. Don't get me wrong, my kids are awesome. They are also little energy suckers. I can literally feel them sucking the sanity from me on a daily basis. Every time I express how I feel about myself I get some asshat telling me, "so go work out," or, "just make time for yourself." Yeah, fucking great advice. When?? At 4 a.m. before Maci wakes up for the third time in the night? At 8 p.m. when Bj gets home and dinner is all done and I am so fucking exhausted I can barely see straight but have to pull it together because I have homework to do? Or when Austin is at school and it is time for the younger two to nap? Yeah, I'd LOVE to go to the gym. As soon as I find a spare five minutes in my day, I'll be sure to figure out how I can do that. Maybe one of these days I'll also find time for a shower. Yes, I chose to have five kids. And I love them so much. I do not love me anymore, however. Hell, I don't even know me anymore and that is the part that I struggle with on a daily basis. Having five kids is fucking hard. Who would have guessed.

The good news is I finally feel like we are living again. After 9 months of VERY minimal income Bj finally has a job and we got a new vehicle, got a new place to live with much more space for all of us, and we even have new cell phones on the way. Hopefully this will make things a bit easier, less hectic, less stressful, or just somehow better in some way. So yeah, life with five is...interesting. I wouldn't trade any one of them for the world, though.

Another catch up!

I seem to be horrible about updating this damn thing. I guess it's time for an entry!

Life is pretty good these days! We are coming up on the end of the school year for the girls and Bj is almost done with his second session of classes! Bring on summer vacation! Mylee just finished her soccer "season" (it was literally like 4 weeks, not a season in my opinion!) and she had a great time. Bj is a great coach and all the girls on his team really had fun and they all said that they will definitely play soccer again. They lost every game except the last when they were finally able to tie with the other team for a score of 3-3. They were pretty pumped about that! Austin's soccer is not so much teams and games as little practices that help him learn the basics of soccer. He's not thrilled about this and gets bored halfway through, but he's learning and doing pretty good when I can keep him focused. His last session is tomorrow. Hailey started softball this week with a practice on Tuesday and a game last night. I am quite impressed with her skills! She's doing really well and says she likes softball even more than soccer. She has a game every Thursday night until June 20 and she is really excited about it! And Colton just loves to go to all the games and practices and run around and clap and cheer for whoever is playing! Hailey and Mylee both had big tests this last week. We don't know all of the scores yet, but Hailey scored 100% on the language arts portion. She was 1 of 2 kids in her class to get a perfect score. I am extremely proud, but certainly not surprised! Shane has been calling on a preset schedule so the kids talk to him for about an hour four nights a week which has been great! The attitudes are definitely reduced! So, all the kids are doing really well! I need to get a system under control for chores and accountability for them, but my lack of sticking to that is really the biggest problem. If I get a system in place, I know the kids will follow it for the most part, so I will be working hard on that for the next few weeks to get something in place that works for everyone.

Things are getting pretty tough financially so we are ready to take the step for Bj to get a job. I have had a couple interviews and both went really well, but I can't see starting a job when I'm 7 months pregnant that involves quite a bit of physical strain just to take maternity leave in a few weeks. We are strongly considering the possibility of Bj cutting back his classes to half-time in order for him to be able to work full-time and still be able to get his degree. Unfortunately, this would keep us in St George a year longer than planned or expected, but we'd rather do things right and have him accomplish his goal than to stress unnecessarily or have him give up on school altogether. Of course, nothing is decided for sure, this is just something that we realized that we need to consider. No matter what we decide, we will be just fine and we (with the help of others that have been helpful and supportive!) will make sure that these kids have everything they need and even some of the things they want!

This pregnancy crap  is so overrated. I know, I know, I am a lucky woman and there are women out there who would give anything to experience this miracle...I am certainly not trying to be insensitive. But, I freaking hate it. Yes, the end result is awesome and totally worth it, but no one is ever going to claim to love all this crap! My pubic bone hurts every time I move, the round ligament pain with this one doubles me over and puts me into tears at times, my boobs are KILLING me, I am swollen, the heartburn is raging, I can't sleep well due to restless leg syndrome, and I am generally irritable and bitchy most days. The fun part though is she is starting to get pretty wild in there and the kids can see her moving my belly! It's become an event for everyone to gather around my belly and poke at Maci and play with her! Thankfully, we are most likely into single digits for the weeks left. I usually deliver 2-3 weeks early so that means we have about 8-9 weeks left! We just need to get a playpen with bassinet and we are all ready for her. Thanks to my amazing friend, Ali, for outfitting her for the first few months! She won't be wearing blue everyday! We are all very excited to meet her!

"You are a bad kid!"

Five words I NEVER imagined saying to ANY of my kids. Ever. They were said, or more accurately, yelled tonight at Mylee. I know we shouldn't say things we don't mean out of anger and we shouldn't talk to them when we are very angry...instead we should take a minute to calm down and gather our thoughts. Whoever had this idea never dealt with Mylee. My mini-me is insanely smart, capable, and truly an amazing person. However, when she wants to be naughty, she's amazing at that as well. She got her second "think-time" notice sent home from school today, we are in a constant battle at home to get her to do her chores, and she's started thinking it's ok to yell at us and talk back! Her notice about her punishment at school explained that she had responded to requests to do her work with, "I don't want to do my work!" and then she proceeded to poke the other students with pencils. I'd like to say I was shocked but it was typical Mylee behavior. When asked how she can avoid the punishments she immediately answers with, "do my work/chores." Then WHY ON EARTH DON'T YOU JUST MAKE IT EASY ON ALL OF US AND DO THAT!?!?! I realize this is attention seeking behavior. I get that, especially as a child in a family as big as ours, sometimes kids can feel left out. BUT, I make it a point to spend time with each child and talk to them and ask them what's up in their world. I am definitely not a get down on the floor and play or crawl around on the jungle gym type of mom, but I do my best to play games with them and generally show them I care, as does Bj. SO why why why does she insist on behaving in a way that gets her negative attention??? Is it a result of the divorce? Is it because her dad has really become an absent figure in her life after being such a huge part of it for so long? And if it is these things, why haven't the MANY talks and cries we've had about all of that done any good? I truly miss the ignorant days of being a new mom when I thought that my strict rules, my telling them to be good people, and my general awesomeness would enable me and my children to avoid most struggles and challenges. Good parenting is huge, but sometimes, shit just gets tough and you try everything and it's still fucking tough.

I can't decide if telling her that she's a "bad kid" was the worst mommy move ever, or possibly a kick in the butt for her to do better. She strives to be the best at everything, except behaving apparently. She truly wants to be awesome. And in many ways she is awesome. She doesn't steal, she doesn't hurt people, she doesn't bully people, but she refuses to listen to anyone or do anything she's supposed to. So, to me, she's intentionally behaving badly and that doesn't really scream "good kid." I know it's my job to instill confidence and self-respect in her, but isn't it also my job to teach her that good people do good things and bad people do bad things? That our choices are who we are and the consequences reflect that? That life is what you make it and bad choices and bad behavior will make it bad? How do I teach her that by telling her she's a great kid when she's really not behaving as a great kid? And for the love of pete, how the fuck do I get the kid to do a damn chore?! I did follow up with her after a few moments for both of us to calm down and explain to her that I know that she is very capable of being a great kid if she makes the choice to do so, that she's the only one who can make that choice, and that I will help her do that in any way I can. I told her that I am her mom, I am never giving up on her, I will love her with all of my heart forever no matter what, but her bad behavior makes me very sad. Hopefully, that makes the "bad kid" comment just a little less horrible. Or maybe I'm just justifying my bad behavior now. Why the hell didn't anyone tell me this mommy stuff was so damn hard???

Ugh, so this is my struggle today. And actually, most days lately. We'll get through it and I doubt she will be a serial killer or a bank robber, but I am still going to aim to guide her to become a successful, independent, happy adult, no matter how hard she fights me on it.

Empower them!

I have an opinion that I am going to share...shocking, right?! It is likely not going to be a popular one, but it's my blog and I do what I want. If you don't like it, feel free to share your views and comments and we can agree to disagree.

We hear so much these days about bullying with school-age children. It really is becoming such a problem in this entitled generation that is being raised. Kids are being raised to think that they can do no wrong, that they are the best at everything, and that other kids are less than themselves. There is nothing that the good parents can do about the choices of the bullies' parents. Nothing. We cannot legislate them to teach their kids respect nor can we legislate the children to suddenly relearn their self-image and their image of others. They have been raised to be mean, for whatever reason. No, we should not just give up on these children, but we should focus on our own children. What does a bully prey on? On another person's self-image. They make the other kids feel helpless, less than the bully, and unable to do anything about it. Why do we raise kids who allow this to happen? And this is where this will get tricky... No, I am not blaming the victim! I am really not. I am advocating for parents to teach their children that other kids' opinions of them are just that, irrelevant opinions! My kids are normal kids and tend to say mean things to each other at times. One will come tell me, "MOM! So-and-so just called me dumb!" My response is always, "Are you dumb?" The child will say no, of course. So I ask them, "then why does it matter? If you aren't dumb, the opinion is false and means nothing. If you were dumb, which you are certainly not, and didn't like that opinion of yourself, you could change it. But when someone calls you something it only hurts you as much as YOU let it." Of course, the other child is also dealt with accordingly, but they are learning that what other people say or think about them does not define them! That they are who they are and no one can change that.

Mylee is currently dealing with a difficult child at school. He was pulling on her backpack the other day and she told him that if he didn't stop her mom would come talk to him and he replied with a threat to have his dad come cut her head off with a knife. Ummmm, what?! We are talking about first graders here! Mom's first instinct? Go talk to the teacher, the principal, the head of the school district and the kid's parents!! Mom's actual reaction? Helping her deal with what he said, letting her know that he was coming from an ugly place and it is not her fault that he behaves this way, and guiding her to the proper avenues for handling the situation appropriately. She spoke to the principal first thing the next morning and things were dealt with. I could have coddled her, told her, "poor baby, mommy will save you, he's such a mean little boy." I could have helped her become the victim. Instead, I enabled her to handle the situation, stick up for herself, find a proper solution, and show the boy that she will not take his actions lightly.

I truly do not believe that my children will be bullies OR the victims of bullies. They are learning that they are no better or worse than any other person. That every person has worth and is special in their own way. They are being taught how unacceptable bullying is and not to allow it. We can't fight bullying by focusing only on the bullies. We need to empower our children to take charge of who they are and be confident in that and not allow others to change that or take that away from them!

Back to the real world!

I haven't blogged in over a month and it feels really good to be sitting in front of my computer to type out our crazy stories again! :) I would have probably been on here a lot in the last month, as it has been eventful, but we had no internet and I detest blogging on my phone.

We are all settled in St. George! It is WONDERFUL! I do miss being able to go outside in my underwear and not having to deal with the crazy people/drivers for sure, but the convenience of having a grocery store, doctor, and Jimmy John's right around the corner is worth putting pants on and yelling obscenities at the people who irritate me (which is actually most people these days :/ )! Our apartment is tiny and we only have one bathroom but we are making it work and it makes cleaning much faster and easier, so I can't complain about that! We have a pool right outside our door so we are all anxiously awaiting the warmer weather so we can swim! And it doesn't seem to be too far off! Yesterday it was in the 60s and I had the windows open throughout the house. I really love the weather here!

Bj is doing well in school. He's not super in love with it and just wants it to be over, but he's sticking with it and knows it's the best move for us at this point, which I admire so much! It's really hard to go to school, but it's even harder if you just don't want to be there. He's been doing pretty well on his quizzes and has good attendance so far. He's been a rockstar husband to me lately, as well. The poor man has a completely insane woman on his hands right now! For example, we always talk about not doing anything on Valentine's day because we agree that it really is a ridiculous holiday.  We tell/show each other we are in love everyday, we don't need a special day to remind us to do this. Well this year that conversation ended with me saying, "But this year, that means I really want you to do something special for me..." He looked at me like I had totally lost my mind...and he's likely right! Poor guy! But he's being a trooper about it! And I think he plans to take me out shooting to celebrate Valentine's day...he's so great! :)

The kids are doing really well here! Hailey's teacher is so perfect for her! I couldn't have asked for a better teacher, seriously. The day we went in to meet the teachers we walked into Hailey's classroom and it is decorated all medieval with a cardboard castle built in the corner for the kids to read in, and knights and queens and swords and shields. Anyone who knows my little bookworm knows this could not fit her better. Needless to say, she was super excited to start and still loves going to school every day! Mylee's teacher is also pretty great for her. She has a good balance of making things fun while still keeping Mylee reigned in, so that is great! Mylee has had a bit of an issue with one of the boys in her class. He started telling her he loves her rather incessantly starting on her first day and continues to tease and pester her. She has talked to the teacher, principal, and counselor so far. I am trying very hard to allow her to handle this and guide her to the right venues to find a solution but it's tough to sit on the side lines! She's done great at standing up for herself so far and asking authority figures for help though, so I am just listening and guiding her...for now! Austin is dying to start kindergarten next year. He really cannot wait! And Colton has started walking/running and really seems to have developed mentally a lot just since we've moved here. They are all just doing really well!

The pregnancy is making me crazy, but going well. We easily heard the heartbeat at my last check up. I am now 16+ weeks, or 4 months. Not quite halfway done. I still have not had even a drag of a cigarette. Tomorrow will be 3 months exactly since my last cigarette and it's really not as difficult as I thought it would be. I don't really have any triggers that make me want one anymore and hardly ever have a craving for one. Bj has cut back and never smokes when he's home so that helps a lot, I think. I am calling this month the month of appointments! So far all of the kids have had dental check ups/cleanings, which all ended well with no cavities! Mylee will need braces (thanks a ton, Shane!), Hailey may need them, and the boys both look really good so far. I also had a dental check up recently and mine didn't go so well. I have enough work to do in my mouth that they split it up into three appointments next week. :( I have fillings on one side happening on Monday, the other side on Tuesday, and wisdom teeth being removed Thursday. I also need to have a prenatal check this month, Mylee's annual check up, an eye appointment for Colton, and my ultrasound! We are busy to say the least! We also have a few birthdays this month, including mine and Mylee's! I cannot believe she's going to be 7 already! All of these kids are growing up much too quickly for me! It's really so much fun to watch and be a part of and I couldn't be more proud of the awesome people they are becoming! :)

My answer.

Why is there so much community blame going around for the horrible tragedy that happened last Friday? I have heard that it is due to taking God out of the schools, it's because we are accepting homosexual relationships, because we allow "assault rifles" to be sold to and owned by civilians. Why aren't parents being looked at a little closer?

While I agree that children have to be raised with a sense of right and wrong, I fully disagree that this must be done through church and God. I do not teach based on any religious beliefs and we do not go to church. My kids still know the difference between right and wrong. I am a good moral person raising children with morals and values and have never needed to put the fear of God into my children to do so. Saying that these things wouldn't happen if children were expected to pray in school every morning is just silly. Parents need to teach their kids right from wrong, with our without a belief in a higher power!

I can't even address the homosexual acceptance reasoning because this one will NEVER make any damn sense to me at all. I will use this opportunity to say that we are all human, we are all equal, and we should all have the same right to marital bliss (or misery, depending on how you do it). Who your neighbor marries will have no effect on your marriage at all, and if it does, you have far greater issues than who your neighbors are! I hate that such an important portion of our society is being discriminated against. I can't wait until our grandchildren look back on this time and think what a bunch of assholes we were for ever trying to discriminate based on something so ridiculous.

I am sick of hearing, "why do you need a rifle that will shoot so many bullets?" Ok, any rifle will shoot as many rounds through it as I put in it. These "assault rifles" are mechanically almost identical to any other rifle. They are not automatic weapons that shoot a hundred rounds with one pull of the trigger. The big difference between these rifles and your grandpa's deer hunting rifle is cosmetics. There are millions of people who own semi-automatic rifles that have never killed anyone. The second amendment was put in place to restrict the government from infringing on the right to bare arms. Please, explain to me how restricting the arms we can bare is not infringing. This isn't about the guns. This is about the individuals who committed these atrocious acts! You want to restrict something? How about we start testing and doing background checks for becoming a parent? We have so many children these days who are being raised by video games, not being supervised, not being taught! You want to ask me why I need a semi-automatic AR-15? Well, why the hell does your 8 year old need to be playing Call of Duty or Grand Theft Auto? Why are parents trying to be friends to their children instead of parents? Why are parents so afraid of recognizing an issue with their children and seeking the help that they need? Why aren't we setting boundaries and providing consistent consequences for actions? Children need to be taught about real life and parented and taught respect and responsibility. They need morals and values. I would be VERY interested to see how these killers were raised. Were they given boundaries and consistent consequences? Were they taught about the value of life? Were they "out of control" teens with mental issues that didn't receive the time, attention, and help they needed?

It doesn't matter what guns are restricted, it won't help. Sure, take away the guns that fire several rounds quickly. Automatic rifles are already illegal, didn't do as much good as you had hoped, did it? The next guy will just download plans for a home made bomb on the internet and blow up the entire school. IT IS GOING TO CONTINUE! The answer isn't taking away the means for the violence. It is parenting, raising kids who don't want to do these things, and recognizing mental issues before they get to this point and getting the help needed! Let's screen parents regarding values before they become parents. Let's offer a lot of parenting resources and education. Let's do mental screenings in high school like we do the SATs and get help for the children who need it! Don't get me wrong. I am about to have five children and the fact that I have five chances to completely screw up a child and send a mess of an adult out into the world scares the hell out of me. I will be the first to admit that I am FAR from the perfect parent, but I do believe that I am teaching them life lessons that need to be taught and I am involved with them enough that I will recognize an issue like this and get them help long before it ever gets to this point. The answer to these problems is good parenting and getting people the help that they need.

9 weeks, 7 weeks, 1 year...

I am 9 weeks pregnant! I have not smoked at all, not even a drag while Bj was home, for 7 weeks! My baby is 1 year old!! I feel like time is just flying by. We have so much going on right now and I feel like just yesterday I was thinking, "I have a whole month to pack and get ready to move!" Now I am sitting here with more like 13 days and have done pretty much nothing! Whoops. With Bj being gone, 4 kids to keep up with, trips to town every time I need something, fatigue from the pregnancy, stress about getting this place back to the condition it was in when we moved in here, and finding a place to live next month, I have been a bit overwhelmed!

We finally found a place to live next month while Bj was home. It is a very, very small upstairs apartment unit. There are three bedrooms and one bath so it's a little better than what we've got going on now since we've only been using two bedrooms here. The complex has a pool which is right outside our door and a really nice park right down the road that I'm sure the boys and I will walk to as often as possible. My doctor's office is half a mile away so I could walk there when it's nice out, which is very nice. There is a grocery store which is also about half a mile away. I am not going to know what to do when I don't have to plan an entire day around a trip to the store! It'll be amazing! The rent is on the more affordable side of what we had budgeted so that is great! We paid a little extra to be able to start to move in on the 26th and the goal is to be able to wake up in our new place on New Year's morning! Overall, we know it's going to be tough with the limited space but we are very excited to get moved in and start this next chapter. As we've said to ourselves many times, it's only for a year and we can do anything for a year!

Yesterday was my little man's first birthday! This last year was crazy and went by so fast. Colton is such a fun, happy, easy little guy. He makes having a baby so simple! His brother and sisters told him happy birthday about 100 times yesterday, and even though he had no clue what was going on, I think he knew that he was a big deal. We did cupcakes for him on Sunday. I didn't make a super huge deal about it because, let's face it, a one-year old doesn't remember, nor care about, his birthday!

We are trying a new discipline/coping method with Mylee these days. She is such a sweet, amazing little girl, but she's also angry and sad about her dad and I getting divorced. She loves Bj and knows that her dad and I weren't good for each other, but still misses Shane so much that she wishes we would get back together. She takes all of this anger out on me because she doesn't get the chance to be angry with her dad due to his almost complete lack of involvement. This anger is expressed by her not doing her chores, yelling at me, having an attitude with me or her siblings, intentionally acting out, etc. I cannot continue to be punished by my 6 year old! She really enjoys writing these days so I got her a "time-out journal." I picked out a journal at Barnes and Nobles with a Footprints poem theme. I have been in love with that poem since the first time I read it, my mom used to buy me things with it printed on them, and Mylee has decided that, regardless of what anyone else thinks, she believes in God (which I think is incredible!), so it seemed fitting. She gets the journal when I can tell that she is struggling with feelings and she is to write me a letter in it to express how she feels and I will respond and we will try to work through her feelings in a productive way. We have done it once and right away she seemed to be feeling better so I am hoping it continues to help her!

The kids all have a Christmas program tomorrow night that they are SO excited about! Bj and I got them all new dress clothes for it and Austin is thrilled to wear his suit and "bow-tie" (it's just a regular tie but, try to convince him of that!) Hailey has two parts in the play so she is very excited and very sad that Bj won't be there. I probably better make sure to remember the camera!

We definitely have a very busy couple weeks ahead of us! My first appointment is Thursday, Bj should be home by the weekend, then it's Christmas, then we start moving! I probably better start collecting boxes and packing! Oh yeah, and our dryer is broken so I have to find a way to do all of our laundry in the meantime! Like they say, when it rains it pours. I am just glad that I am resilient and I can adjust to whatever life throws at me and make it work! I hope everyone has a wonderful, merry Christmas!!

2 years already!?

On this day 2 years ago, I met my best friend and the love of my life! I had just moved back to Utah after living in Minnesota and Texas for about 7 years and was separating from my husband at the time. When my ex-husband and I separated in November 2010, I told my dear friend that my next boyfriend would have to drive a big Chevy truck, drink Bud Light, and love to hunt, shoot guns, and be outdoors (the exact opposite of my ex-husband). He said, "well, let me give you Bj's number, he fits that description." I let him give Bj my number and he text me that night, November 19. At first, I wanted nothing to do with Bj. I was still pretty confused about my marriage and separation and moving and all the big changes that were happening for myself and my kids. My friend, Ali, was visiting me in Texas the night he and I started talking and I remember telling her, "Oh wow, this guy is ridiculous!" (to be fair, he was drinking and that does make him a bit ridiculous) I didn't text him or reply to his texts much after that but it didn't stop him from texting me every morning to say good morning and most evenings to ask how my day was. The kids and I moved from Texas to Utah around December 1st and he was still texting me daily and pretty much getting brushed off. He was persistent, that's for sure! One night I was talking to our friend, Zac, who spent a lot of time with Bj and asked him what Bj was doing and he said that he was hanging out with his "girlfriend." This obviously irritated me quite a bit, enough to peak my interest, if for no other reason than to call him out for being a jerk! So the next morning I asked him how his night with his girlfriend was and he denied having one and was very adamant that she was just his friend. I started to give him a hard time about it which led to more texting than usual and actual conversations between us. I found out that he was actually kinda charming and interesting. We ended up talking on the phone a few times and decided that we should meet. I arranged for my parents to watch the kids and came down for the night to hang out with him and Zac. All the way here I was so nervous. I just kept thinking, "what if he doesn't like me?" and "what if I can't stand him?" along with about a million other things that someone headed for, basically, a blind date probably thinks! When I got to town I was supposed to call him so he could meet me and lead me to his house but of course my phone didn't get service in the middle of no where so I had to call him from the tire shop. I called him and he met me about 10 minutes later. It was probably the longest 10 minutes ever! As soon as he pulled up and got out of his truck I knew I was in big trouble! I can still remember what he was wearing: wranglers, boots, an old grey high school hoodie, and a hat. He was pretty muddy from working on the farm and I just remember thinking, "aaaw! He didn't shower or change or anything before he came up here! Now that's a real man and he's not trying to hide who he is!"

We met up with Zac and he and I headed to town and Bj was going to meet us after he got his paycheck. We headed to Chili's to wait for Bj and I was so scared that he would sit by Zac once he got there (completely silly girl shit, I know). Luckily, I must be a little better looking than Zac because he slid into the booth next to me, still wearing the muddy clothes! Yay! I could tell he was nervous too and it was so damn adorable! He bought my dinner then we talked Zac into driving my van back to Bj's house so we could ride together in his truck. He needed some new boots so we headed to the store to shop. He seriously put his boot on the wrong foot when trying them on! His face turned bright red and again, he was just so damn adorable! He finally found the pair he liked and we headed to the gas station to get a few beers. We headed to his house, which was about an hour trip and we talked the whole way about past relationships, what we wanted out of life, what we expected in a relationship, and I seriously knew I was going to fall in love with him!

That was the beginning of what has, so far, been the greatest chapter of my life story. We are now raising 4, almost 5, babies together and I am amazed at how wonderful and easy a relationship can be. We get irritated with each other, we say things we don't mean at times, but we always work through it. We've seriously been through a lot, but every time we face a challenge together, we come out of it stronger as a couple. I cannot imagine a more amazing father, husband, and best friend! I am seriously the luckiest woman in the world! These two years have been awesome and I love looking forward to the rest of my life with him!

We are not going to die!

I keep reminding myself that we are not going to die. Oh, we can't pay the electric bill on time? It's ok, we'll figure it out and we're not going to die. Shit, I have no gas! It's ok, we'll figure it out and we're not going to die! So, the kids are being hellions today and I'm exhausted? Put on some cartoons and rest on the couch, because for sure, we're not going to die from it! I get myself so stressed out and worked up about everything: the kids being dressed well, the dishes being done, the floors being mopped, the balance in the checking account, etc. Sometimes I forget that these things are important but they are not life or death. I also forget that things always work out in the end. Hailey and I have had so many rough mornings due to her fashion choices on school days. I have no idea what goes on in her head sometimes but she dresses funny in my opinion and I get so worked up about it! I forget that I need to let go of control and let her find herself and her style and if she feels comfortable in the outfit she chose, who am I to tell her she shouldn't wear it (modesty expected and not negotiated on, of course)? Don't we all have elementary school pictures that we look at and say, "Did my parents really let me out of the house in THAT!?" It's part of her process of growing and finding herself and I hate that I get so worked up about it and try to change that part of her. I am 100% sure none of us is going to die from it! The housework gets done sporadically, the house is not disgusting, we are not headed for any of the nasty-house reality shows, the kids have clean clothes and the dishes get done when it becomes necessary and we are not going to die if the house is not immaculately cleaned! We have food on the table and bills get paid before anything necessary gets shut off or is repossessed, we are NOT GOING TO DIE! I spend so much time thinking about, stressing about, and getting worked up about all of this stuff and it's so pointless. The solution always reveals itself in time and never has stressing about it been beneficial to me. So, my thought for the day is "we are not going to die!" I am going to go play with my kids and let the house be a mess and the bank account be overdrawn and the kids be dirty. Who cares? The kids are all healthy and happy and we'll all live!!

7 weeks-possible TMI-all pregnancy related!

I am now 7 weeks pregnant. Only 33ish to go. Wahoo. I am fairly miserable with this one. As I've outlined in recent posts, my demeanor is less than pleasant. I feel nauseous pretty much all the time, in a car it is intensified. I'm having horrible cravings for things that I don't even like. I devoured 10 jalapeno poppers earlier this afternoon and I hate jalapenos. These are officially my pregnancy addiction...well, for now. I am also craving jagermeister (a craving I have not satisfied) and I have never, ever liked that stuff at all. I also have so. much. cramping. I have never felt so uncomfortable so early! I have honestly contemplated a trip to urgent care a couple times. Because of this I will probably call and bump up my first prenatal appointment a bit. When I called to make my appointment they were willing to see me right away at 4 weeks so I am sure this won't be a problem. Maybe I'll even get an early ultrasound for a sneak peak. I am also way more exhausted than I have ever been in a pregnancy. I wonder if that has anything to do with already having 4 kids, including one that is still a baby, and Bj being gone with all the stress we're under right now?Nah...probably not. I miss Bj like crazy! Honestly, before he left, I was ready for some space and a break but, I'm done now. I want my husband back. My house is a disaster, I would honestly give someone my very last dollars to come sweep and mop my floors and fold my laundry. But, I am going to make great efforts to get all of that done this weekend. I am sure my kids will be super helpful. The good news is this will all turn into an awesome crying, pooping, sleep machine and that really is super amazing and awesome! I am a horrible pregnant woman but a great mom. Can't win 'em all. :)

Amazing!

My kids are just absolutely, incredibly, amazing! I know, all moms say that, and all moms are right! Anyone who knows my kids doesn't need to be convinced that they are freaking rock stars, but that's okay, it's my blog and I'll brag if I want to!

I'm going to start with Ms. Mylee. That girl...oh that girl! "She is somethin' else," I always say. Since the day she was born she has had a mind of her own. She was colicky and lactose intolerant so the first few months of her life were a complete struggle for both of us. The only way we could get her to sleep was to play jungle sounds on a CD player in her room, complete with very loud monkey screeching, at FULL VOLUME. This is how she got her nickname, Mama Monkey. I have no idea how we figured that out to be honest, but it was a life-saver for all of us. That was probably about when I realized that I had created my mini-me. She is so strong-willed. She knows what she wants and she is smart and creative and will find a way to get it no matter how many times she's told no. She's a sweet and caring child, too. My mom passed away when I was 3 months pregnant with Mylee (my mom's name was Myra Lee and that's where we got Mylee's name) and her birthday was this last Saturday. I told Mylee and Austin that it was Grandma Myra's birthday and Austin said, with a very sad face, "but grandma is dead." Mylee said, "that's ok, we can still sing to her, she'll still hear us." And so they sang. She is sassy and can have quite the attitude at times but also has a tender heart and would never intentionally hurt anyone, emotionally or physically. She is extremely smart! She reads and does math way ahead of her grade level and enjoys letting people know that she is smart.

Next is Hailey. Oh my dear, sweet Hailey. She is my sensitive child. She feels all the emotions around her. She had a boy in her class that was autistic when she was in kindergarten and she was trying to help him do a puzzle. The little boy got frustrated with her and pushed/hit her to get her away from him. A few days later some other kids in the class weren't being very nice to him and my sweet little girl stood up to them and said, "everyone needs friends and he deserves friends too, so be nice to him!" Still to this day she has no problem standing up for what she knows is right and has a damn good moral compass for an 8 year old. She's also extremely smart. She has almost finished the Harry Potter series, she only has the seventh book to read, and that's only because she got into the Percy Jackson series and it deterred her. She's currently on the third book in that series. She always gets her homework done on the bus on her way home from school and gets excellent grades and reports from teachers. She's also pretty funny. She comes up with some pretty good original jokes. She's super helpful, too. If I need help with something, she is always right there. She loves to bake and help with her little brother. She keeps her things nice and neat which is great since she's the only one in the house who does!

Little Colton James is getting so big and fun! I cannot believe he will be a year old in 3 weeks! His nickname is Evil Knievel, this child wriggles his way out of everything...the walker, the highchair...if he's in anything long enough he will fall out on his head. It's scary for sure! He said his first word the other day! He's been making the "mama" and "dada" sounds for a while now along with random yelling all the time, but the other day Bj went outside for a minute, which really irritated Colt, and as soon as he walked back in the room Colt's face lit up and he said, "dada!" very excitedly! He's said it to him a few times since as well so I am officially calling it the first word. He loves his walker and scoots everywhere in that thing. He's even gotten to the point that he lifts it up when he gets caught up on things. As soon as he gets the standing/balance thing down he's just going to start running, I'm pretty sure. He's convinced that he's way beyond being fed and that he needs to have foods that he can feed himself so we are working on that. He's a super happy baby and makes having a baby really fun and easy!

Last, but certainly not least, Mr. Austin! He is so sweet! He tells me at least 20 times a day, "mom, I love you!" He is obsessed with everything Spiderman right now and thought that he was the richest little boy in the world when I bought him two of the movies at the pawn shop for about $5. He told everyone his mom bought him Spiderman movies for $100 at the store. He is not at all shy and makes friends everywhere we go. He is pretty funny and has the most adorable laugh! He's also quite sensitive and thoughtful. When I asked him what he wants for Christmas he told me about a couple toys that he wanted and a blanket then said that he wants a rose to give to me. He adores his big sisters and misses them like crazy all day when they are at school. He learned the pledge of allegiance at school and messes it up in a few parts and it's actually completely adorable. He loves to be a big helper to mom with the housework. He really loves to hear stories, especially about Spiderman or Cars. He gets so excited over everything and it is so fascinating to me to see his innocence and amazement at the things that we take for granted.

They are certainly not perfect, but, like I said before, my kids are absolutely, incredibly amazing!! This all makes me super excited to meet the new baby and nurture and guide him or her into becoming the amazing person he or she is going to be! Even with the crappy attitude I've had lately, I can see that I am a very lucky woman and I have so very much to be thankful for!!

Fat mom's a bitch when she's pregnant!

My wonderful brother-in-law, Justin told me that when I was pregnant with Ms Mylee almost exactly 7 years ago. It keeps playing over and over in my head the last few days. I hate everyone, seriously. It is all I can do not to freak out on people. Bj is fairly tolerable, though we even got into quite the "discussion" the other night over I cannot even remember what. The kids are making me insane. Hailey's dad makes me want to spit poison into his eyes because we make arrangements for his visitation and he doesn't comply with them and I ask him to convey messages to her since she really doesn't like to talk on the phone and she never gets them.  Random people make me want to scream at them just by walking in an annoying way. Yep, I am a miserable, pregnant bitch. I am usually so good at finding a positive attitude about things. I realize that attitude is everything and it's all about perspective...blah blah blah. It all seems stupid these days. I am just going to stay in my house and avoid the public, no one should have to put up with my crazy bitchiness, except Bj since this is all his fault. I also have zero motivation to do anything. My house looks like a tornado went through it and I've been trying to work on it all week and just feel like I'm covered in cement and can't do anything. I'm getting more sickness and crazy cramping all the time. And, I know this sounds crazy, but I am terrified that there is twins in there! I have way stronger symptoms this time than ever before, I'm much more exhausted than I've ever been, I had a dream that Bj and I were sitting together and two identical babies were crawling toward us, I keep thinking/saying 6 kids when I think about how many we're going to have even though I know this will be my last, and Austin told my dad I'm having two babies. All probably just crazy paranoia, but really, that would be just my luck!

In conclusion, I hate being pregnant and I am so glad this is the last time I am doing it! I am still super excited about the baby and cannot wait to hold him and/or her and kiss the little baby lips, but getting to that point sucks.

Back and forth

Some days I can find a super positive attitude about our life right now and others I seriously struggle to find the silver lining in it all. Today is one of the struggles. I love my babies, each and every one of them, more than life itself and I know that this baby will get just as much love and is going to be amazing. I also know that I only have so much time and energy in my day and have no idea how on earth I am going to juggle helping the older kids with homework (though, if I'm honest, neither one of the girls really ask for or require much help), keeping the housework up, doing all the shopping, paying the bills, keeping them all bathed and looking presentable, chasing around a toddler, middle of the night newborn feedings, taking FIVE children with us everywhere we go, making individual time for each child so that they feel special, finding time to spend with Bj and maintaining a good, healthy relationship, and finding time for myself to maintain my sanity. I am absolutely terrified right now. Not to mention the financial aspect of it all. I finally got the courage to let our landlord know today that we are going to have to move out early and she was so wonderful and understanding it made me cry, so that was helpful but I offered to try to get new renters so that will be one more thing to keep up on. We have to come up with money for Christmas gifts, two birthdays, and a deposit and money to move in January. Thankfully Bj has a few weeks of work with his dad that pays pretty well but we don't have any idea when he will receive the pay for it and it means I am going to be here alone for most of December. That means that most of the moving responsibility and all of the child care will be up to me. I CAN do this and I know I can, but holy crap it scares the hell out of me. I don't regret any choices I've made and I certainly don't regret my babies but I am not going to lie, the fact that I've done things totally backwards has crossed my mind a few times. What if I had waited to have babies until I met Bj? What if I had taken advantage of the full tuition scholarship I got when I was 18 or the other 4 attempts I've made at school and gotten a degree before I had kids? What if my birth control had stayed put or I had gotten it replaced right away and we weren't preparing for baby number 5 at this point in our life? Seems like I could have definitely made this life a lot easier on myself and in turn a lot better for my kids. Again, I have no regrets at all, but it doesn't stop the what-ifs from taking over sometimes. Life is seriously tough right now but everything happens for a reason and I just have to keep that in mind. I usually take life one day at a time, but today I am literally going one moment at a time. We will be okay and I know that, but right now it is a struggle to remember that.

Thanksgiving!

We had our family Thanksgiving celebration/dinner last night and I think it was pretty great!We did it last night because Hailey is going to stay with her dad for Thanksgiving this year. Bj and I worked together to get a huge dinner cooked. We made turkey, ham, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes and gravy, sweet potato casserole, cranberry salad, stuffing, rolls, and pumpkin pie. We had a few close friends, more like family really, over to eat with us and it was a really good time! Everyone left completely full!

This will be our only Thanksgiving celebration this year. My parents haven't said anything about what they are doing this year and I do not get along with much of Bj's family at all so I am choosing to avoid that discomfort and stress this year. We also have a lot to get done this weekend! Bj got a job that he will start this weekend and he will be gone until around Christmas time. My car is not running at the moment so that has to be fixed and we have a bunch of firewood to split and a yard to clean if we are going to move in January! This all has to happen before he leaves so we don't have time to do much else anyway.

I haven't told our landlord that we have to move before our lease is up and I am super stressed about that. I hate to do this because she has been so great. I do know that we can't stay here and have Bj go to school, so it's something that we have to do, but I am dreading it. As far as the pregnancy, I am almost 6 weeks and feeling alright. The only time I seem to get sick is if I'm in a vehicle that Bj is driving. I haven't been too grumpy or irritable yet. Of course, I cry about pretty much everything. The older kids are doing well. Hailey's excited to go spend time with her dad, Mylee and Austin are writing and changing their Christmas lists everyday, and Colton loves stuffing and green bean casserole! Austin still believes that the baby is a girl and calls it she all the time. He's still convinced we should name her Flower, also. Bj and I decided against that and settled on Maci YulaRae for a girl or Logan Burl for a boy. It's nice to get that out of the way! Now, just 34 or so weeks to wait! :)

Venting, ranting, and raging just a bit!

We have had a few interesting reactions to the announcement of this pregnancy. People asking me if we are crazy and asking if they need to tell us how that happened are among my least favorite. I am also not a big fan of the ones that feel the need to explain to me how expensive and time consuming babies/children are. And who the hell says, "Good luck!" to someone who is pregnant? My response to these things: No, we are not crazy, we are actually very sane and happy, thanks! I'm pretty sure we've got the "how it happens" down quite well, I've managed it 5 times now, but thanks! Yes, we are VERY aware of how much work it is to be parents and how much money it costs to properly take care of our kids. We've actually been doing this for a while. We're pretty fabulous parents and really don't need luck, but THANKS A FREAKING BUNCH!!

NO ONE else raises my kids. NO ONE else supports my kids. Yes, we may be using a little bit of assistance right now to get Bj through school, but isn't that what those programs are actually meant for? To help people get back on their feet?? We are using the assistance to help us not have to use assistance ever again, I don't feel bad about that. I have not had a babysitter in 3 months. August 10th, when I picked Bj up from the airport is the last time that someone sat with all 4 kids for us to have some time to ourselves. So again, no one else raises or supports my kids. I suppose that means that my having another one is really not anyone else's business. Yes, I made it public knowledge by putting it on Facebook. I was hoping to get excitement and congratulations! Honestly, if anyone thinks this baby is a bad thing or is anything less than happy and excited for us then they should keep it to themselves!

5 kids is a lot, trust me, I know this! I never even planned on having any kids until I found out about Hailey. Now that I have them, I am a damn good mom! My kids are awesome. They are all very smart, considerate, happy, healthy, hard-working, respectful, well-behaved kids! Of course, they aren't perfect, but they know that they will have consequences for their actions and they even take punishments quite responsibly. My house is usually pretty much a mess, I probably spend a little more time on the computer than I should, and I tend to yell a bit more than I'd like to, so of course, I am not a perfect mom. The thought, "well, she/he will probably discuss THAT with a therapist in 20 years," actually crosses my mind quite often. But they are loved and they know they are and they are so confident in themselves. We must be doing a lot right with these guys and that makes me completely confident that adding another baby will be great! They won't be able to have golf lessons or a new car or every new gaming system that comes out unless they earn it, but can anyone tell me what is wrong with children having to earn the things that they want?? What a shame that I'm not spoiling my kids and I'm teaching them to work for the things that they want!

Ok, I'm done venting. But seriously, the next time anyone says to me, "Don't you know how that happens??" they are probably going to get quite the earful from me. I am sure some people think they are being funny, but they're not. We are having a baby, that's wonderful and exciting and it's not at all a joke!

We have a plan!!!

We officially have a plan and have even started taking the steps to make it happen. I am so excited! Bj is going to go to school! There is a technical college in St. George that has a diesel mechanic program and he is  going to go full-time so it will only take him a year to get it done. We met with the admissions lady today and he took his accuplacer test. He had to have certain minimum scores in math, reading comprehension, and English to be able to enter the program without taking any extra courses first and he did great on all three! The next step is to meet with the guy who will process his financial aid, but that's going to have to wait until next week at least since he's in Hawaii right now (oh the jealousy I feel!). Thankfully the next quarter doesn't start until January 7th so we have plenty of time to get everything done as long as the college staff is helpful. Of course, living in Beryl would make going to school in St. George very expensive since it's over 100 miles round trip every day so we are going to be moving to St. George at the beginning of the year! We'll be able to get rid of one of our vehicles so that will help the finances. We won't have to drive to town for every little thing, including doctor's appointments, so that will save a lot of money for sure! And living close to grocery stores, banks, other people, etc. will help my sanity! I loved the country/secluded life when we first moved out here but now I'm sick of it. I have to drive 15 miles just to get to a gas station! We are going to have to break our lease which I absolutely hate because our landlord is great and has been wonderful to us. I am going to do everything I can to try to help find someone to take our place and we certainly wouldn't do it if we didn't have to so I am hoping she will understand and this won't cause her too many issues.

At first, I was scared to death when I found out we were having another baby but now I'm super excited! Bj and I are pretty resourceful and we are great parents with 4 awesome, well-behaved, happy, crazy kids already and one more will just be that much more fun! I really think this jump started our motivation to truly figure out what our next step in life should be and here we are, Bj's going to school! Yay!! Life is absolutely wonderful and going just as it should for us I believe!

The Story, 4 weeks! **TMI alert!!!**

I found out on Monday that I am pregnant with number 5. I kind of expected it. We certainly weren't trying at all, but our methods of birth control weren't exactly solid either, obviously. I had an IUD put in at my 6 week postpartum check up after Colton was born, but that fell out a couple months ago so I was trying to do natural family planning, which is basically figuring out when you are ovulating and not doing the baby making dance around that day. According to my calendar, I was supposed to ovulate on October 29. We did the dance on the 25th and we used spermicide. I am fully aware that spermicide alone is not a very reliable method of birth control, but figured with ovulation a few days away, it would probably be ok. I have Mittelschmerz, which means I can actually feel it when I ovulate every month, I have a pain in the ovary that releases the egg that month. On the 26th I got the ovulation pain and had other signs of ovulation. I couldn't believe it! I told Bj that I was pretty sure I was ovulating that day and that some of his swimmers could still be hanging around in there. Of course, he didn't seem too concerned and I honestly thought the chances were pretty slim. I think they say that something like 25% of pregnancies actually stick. So, I figured with the spermicide and the low chances of having a pregnancy implant and stick, that we'd be pretty safe. Even still, I am a poas (pee on a stick) addict. I love peeing on those damn things and you can get them so cheap these days!! I started peeing on things about 6 days after I ovulated. Which is WAY too early to get a positive anyway, but I did it. I literally peed on at least 50 pregnancy tests this cycle. (I got a batch of 50 on ebay for 32 cents a piece so I really didn't piss away TOO much money!) My period was due on Monday, so when I was still getting negative results on Sunday, about 15 days after I ovulated, I figured that I was for sure safe. I just took one Monday morning while Bj was taking the girls to school because it was a habit at that point. Seriously, "Hmmm, I need to pee...get the cup, get the pee stick, pee in the cup, dip the stick." I didn't even look at it for a few minutes, but when I did there was for sure a line. So I got out another stick....and another...and another...I took 6 of the damn things before Bj got home!! All of them had two lines!!

When Bj got home I was crying like a baby! I handed him the stick, well one of the six, and he could see the line too. He smiled, yes smiled, and told me to stop crying and said that we'd be ok! I love that man! We got the boys ready, went to town to get a couple more expensive, reliable tests and I took one and it also, shockingly, had a second, faint pink line! Well, seven tests later I should be pretty convinced! But of course I took 3 more, why not? I had a doctor's appointment for my cold that afternoon so I asked if they could also do a confirmation of pregnancy for me while I was there. They took my urine sample and I watched the nurse drop the urine in the test. The doctor came in and dealt with my cold/sinus symptoms then told me he was going to go check the results of my test. I told him that I had ten positive ones at home, two different brands, so his better be positive or he needs new tests! He went to check, came back in the room and said, "You are going to laugh..." it was freaking negative!!! He said he even did a second one just to be sure! You have got to be freaking kidding me! He was pretty convinced that I had gotten the positives at home so he ordered a blood test but the results wouldn't come in until the next day. He gave me some prescriptions for my sinuses, drew some blood, and sent me on my way. At this point I was a little confused so at the pharmacy I picked up a box of two digital tests (yay! an excuse to pee on something else!) and took one as soon as I got home. This is the one in the picture and it said pregnant. So then I just had to wait to hear from the doctor the next day. Though I did still have a few pee sticks left so took those of course. By the time I got the blood confirmation I had about 15 hpts that said I was. When they called to tell me it was positive I was far from surprised and requested that they get new tests at the office! Bj and I decided that we weren't going to announce it until after our first prenatal check up, which is conveniently scheduled at the same time as Colton's 12 month check-up, but I am a horrible secret keeper so I had to spill the beans right away. He was slightly annoyed but agreed that I could tell!

So far I am feeling pretty good. I am still only about 4 1/2 weeks though so there is plenty of time for that to change. I do think I feel a bit of morning sickness starting to come on, but with the other pregnancies, and I have plenty to compare to, I never got sick so I'm hoping that this one will go the same way. My first check up is on December 20 so I will be just over 9 weeks. I never mentioned my IUD falling out to my doctor so his reaction should be interesting! With the last 4 pregnancies I had intended to quit smoking but just kept being selfish and smoked the whole time but with this one I actually hadn't smoked for about 5 days when I found out because of the cold/sinus stuff so I figured I might as well just stick with it this time and I'm on day 8 with no cigarettes, Bj has even cut way back so that's awesome! I am at a much heavier weight than I want to be starting a pregnancy, 208 lbs at the moment, but there's nothing I can do about that now except try not to gain too much in the next 9 months so that's my goal. Baby is due around July 20th as far as I can tell. The older kids all know and they are pretty excited! They are all trying to help name him or her. Austin suggested Flower for a girl. I told him we'll take it into consideration! They are all great big brothers and sisters so this baby will be super loved!

Baby number five!

So, this detached parent just found out she is going to be blessed again! Yep, that's right, baby number five. Woohoo! I truly am thrilled. I mean, what is there to not be thrilled about? The fact that our youngest is still a baby himself? The fact that I scheduled my first prenatal checkup at the same time as his 12 month check up? Maybe the fact that my husband currently doesn't have a job and I really have no idea when he will again? Or how about the fact that we are supposed to make a huge move across the country just a couple months before this little bundle of joy is due? Yeah, that's all pretty stressful and terrifying.

BUT, I'M GOING TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY WITH THE MAN OF MY DREAMS! YAAAAY!!! We get to add another crazy, awesome personality to our already amazing group of crazy, awesome personalities. And yes, the money thing is going to be tough, but when isn't it? We have a crib, a playpen, a car seat, a walker, a jumperoo, a baby bath...literally all of the essentials since we still have a baby in the house now. That helps a TON. We will still very much be in baby mode as far as diaper changing, bottles, baby food, diaper bag everywhere we go, etc. so that won't be a transition. I'm a stellar mom, of course, so  I should obviously produce one more awesome person to send out into the world as a fabulous, productive adult in 18 years. And my husband and I are really truly in love and neither of us is ever going anywhere so these kids all have a happy, stable, loving home and really, what more do they need? Well, besides food, water, clothing, shelter...you know, the small details.

As far as a plan, we don't have one. We literally spent most of the night "discussing" our options and, while there are actually a few options, we could not agree on which one would be best for us right now. Neither of us has any way of knowing how any potential move will turn out in the end, but we see them going differently I guess. To be fair to us, we did just find out we are having our fifth child and our decision making skills could be suffering slightly from the shock. But, we will figure this out and do the best thing we can for these kids, we always do! As of now, we are on food and medical assistance with the state, which I hate! We have been raising 3-4 kids on poverty level income (well, for the most part, with the exception of 3 months of good income) up until last month with no food assistance, but with him being out of work it was a step we had to take. We have plans to improve our situation and intend to get off of all assistance as soon as possible. I know I don't owe anyone an explanation, but that is something that I am personally struggling with a lot. My husband is planning to go to school, so the next year to 18 months could be pretty rough, but school will be worth any struggle if it improves our lives!

We are excited. I know it seems crazy in our situation to be excited about another mouth to feed, but we are. It's a baby, and how can you not be excited about a baby?!

Soccer Saturdays

At 7 a.m on this lovely Saturday morning I am drinking my coffee with my my very sleepy husband and watching the sun come up. I have already made a pot of coffee, made baby a bottle, switched laundry, gotten dinner out to thaw, and showered. Why on earth would this lazy mama be doing so much so early on a Saturday morning?? Soccer. Early Saturday morning soccer games for my girls. And boy do I love Soccer Saturdays. They usually go something like this....

"Good morning ladies...you ready to play some soccer?" I say sweetly to get them out of bed. Both of them look at me with the same confusion I had just a half an hour earlier when my alarm went of way too damn early on a Saturday morning and they roll out of bed like zombies. I start spouting off orders such as, "Find your soccer jersey!" and "Where are your damn tennis shoes??" or "Please do NOT lick your brother's cheerios off of his high chair tray!" I am scrambling around the house trying to make sure there is ice in the water bottles, that the water jug is full, and that baby is dressed. I start gathering bottles, formula, diapers, wipes, toys for the boys, chairs for us to sit on, the stroller, treats for the soccer team...all while my kids walk around still in a sleepy stupor and fail to find a complete soccer outfit even though I washed their uniforms the night before and laid them out for them! Somehow, we finally manage to get everything ready and after several trips to the car and a few forgotten items we have to run back into the house for, we are ready to leave! Of course we are running at least 15 minutes late at that point but just the fact that my car is in drive and moving feels like a great accomplishment! 

We make it to the field and I let the girls out as close as I can to their playing fields since we are running late and I find a parking spot. I get out and my 4 year old gets out as well. I open the back of the car and begin to "mommy stack" everything (toys, chairs, water bottles, jugs, shin guards that the girls forgot...) so that I can get it all down to the field. As I am doing this my wonderful son is making his way into the parking lot so I have to keep one eye on him while mastering the balancing act. I get baby strapped into the stroller and finally, everything is ready to go! Let's go watch some soccer! Me and the boys make our way onto the field and I start to get the looks. The, "You're an outsider, we don't know you, what are you doing here?" looks. I live in a very small community, everyone knows everyone. I am less than personable on a good day and a complete bitch most days so I don't exactly make my way out to meet new people. I have lived here for two years and can count the people I really know on one hand. So, these pretty, perfect little soccer moms look at me, showing up 15 minutes late in my dirty truck with my crazy kids and my crap all stacked up on my stroller, like I'm some sort of alien. This is such an awesome feeling!! I ignore the looks and try to find a good, safe spot to park us in between the two fields. Of course, my daughters always have over lapping games so I have to try to divide my attention between both games and pray I don't miss a big score or an awesome goalie save from one of them. 

The game is starting! Woohoo, we've made it this far! My 6 year old is up and I'm watching her intently as a good, dedicated mom should do. I'm watching her push the little boy next to her, do summersaults,  practice head stands, fall on the ground randomly, and occasionally attempt to kick the ball if goes in front of her just right! It is entertaining for sure. Halfway through her game the other game starts. I try so hard to pay attention to both but I have to admit the oldest girl's game gets a majority of the attention because of Soccer Nazi! This is the nickname I have given the coach for the opposite team of my daughter's. She stands on the sidelines and screams at her team. You would think she was coaching the U.S. Soccer team in the Olympics she takes this stuff so seriously! This daughter takes things a bit more seriously too, so it is a little more exciting to watch.

By the time both games are over it's hot outside, baby is pissed about being in the heat for so long, and I have pretty much lost my 4 year old. The girls come running over to me and I ask them, "So, did you win?" Both girls respond pretty much the same, "I dunno." "Ok, well did you have fun?" I ask. "YES!" So, I reinstate my balancing act and herd my zoo back to the truck with a big smile on my face because they had fun and that is the whole point of the crazy, hectic, sometimes ridiculous soccer Saturdays!