Friday, November 23, 2012
Back and forth
Some days I can find a super positive attitude about our life right now and others I seriously struggle to find the silver lining in it all. Today is one of the struggles. I love my babies, each and every one of them, more than life itself and I know that this baby will get just as much love and is going to be amazing. I also know that I only have so much time and energy in my day and have no idea how on earth I am going to juggle helping the older kids with homework (though, if I'm honest, neither one of the girls really ask for or require much help), keeping the housework up, doing all the shopping, paying the bills, keeping them all bathed and looking presentable, chasing around a toddler, middle of the night newborn feedings, taking FIVE children with us everywhere we go, making individual time for each child so that they feel special, finding time to spend with Bj and maintaining a good, healthy relationship, and finding time for myself to maintain my sanity. I am absolutely terrified right now. Not to mention the financial aspect of it all. I finally got the courage to let our landlord know today that we are going to have to move out early and she was so wonderful and understanding it made me cry, so that was helpful but I offered to try to get new renters so that will be one more thing to keep up on. We have to come up with money for Christmas gifts, two birthdays, and a deposit and money to move in January. Thankfully Bj has a few weeks of work with his dad that pays pretty well but we don't have any idea when he will receive the pay for it and it means I am going to be here alone for most of December. That means that most of the moving responsibility and all of the child care will be up to me. I CAN do this and I know I can, but holy crap it scares the hell out of me. I don't regret any choices I've made and I certainly don't regret my babies but I am not going to lie, the fact that I've done things totally backwards has crossed my mind a few times. What if I had waited to have babies until I met Bj? What if I had taken advantage of the full tuition scholarship I got when I was 18 or the other 4 attempts I've made at school and gotten a degree before I had kids? What if my birth control had stayed put or I had gotten it replaced right away and we weren't preparing for baby number 5 at this point in our life? Seems like I could have definitely made this life a lot easier on myself and in turn a lot better for my kids. Again, I have no regrets at all, but it doesn't stop the what-ifs from taking over sometimes. Life is seriously tough right now but everything happens for a reason and I just have to keep that in mind. I usually take life one day at a time, but today I am literally going one moment at a time. We will be okay and I know that, but right now it is a struggle to remember that.
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