Five words I NEVER imagined saying to ANY of my kids. Ever. They were said, or more accurately, yelled tonight at Mylee. I know we shouldn't say things we don't mean out of anger and we shouldn't talk to them when we are very angry...instead we should take a minute to calm down and gather our thoughts. Whoever had this idea never dealt with Mylee. My mini-me is insanely smart, capable, and truly an amazing person. However, when she wants to be naughty, she's amazing at that as well. She got her second "think-time" notice sent home from school today, we are in a constant battle at home to get her to do her chores, and she's started thinking it's ok to yell at us and talk back! Her notice about her punishment at school explained that she had responded to requests to do her work with, "I don't want to do my work!" and then she proceeded to poke the other students with pencils. I'd like to say I was shocked but it was typical Mylee behavior. When asked how she can avoid the punishments she immediately answers with, "do my work/chores." Then WHY ON EARTH DON'T YOU JUST MAKE IT EASY ON ALL OF US AND DO THAT!?!?! I realize this is attention seeking behavior. I get that, especially as a child in a family as big as ours, sometimes kids can feel left out. BUT, I make it a point to spend time with each child and talk to them and ask them what's up in their world. I am definitely not a get down on the floor and play or crawl around on the jungle gym type of mom, but I do my best to play games with them and generally show them I care, as does Bj. SO why why why does she insist on behaving in a way that gets her negative attention??? Is it a result of the divorce? Is it because her dad has really become an absent figure in her life after being such a huge part of it for so long? And if it is these things, why haven't the MANY talks and cries we've had about all of that done any good? I truly miss the ignorant days of being a new mom when I thought that my strict rules, my telling them to be good people, and my general awesomeness would enable me and my children to avoid most struggles and challenges. Good parenting is huge, but sometimes, shit just gets tough and you try everything and it's still fucking tough.
I can't decide if telling her that she's a "bad kid" was the worst mommy move ever, or possibly a kick in the butt for her to do better. She strives to be the best at everything, except behaving apparently. She truly wants to be awesome. And in many ways she is awesome. She doesn't steal, she doesn't hurt people, she doesn't bully people, but she refuses to listen to anyone or do anything she's supposed to. So, to me, she's intentionally behaving badly and that doesn't really scream "good kid." I know it's my job to instill confidence and self-respect in her, but isn't it also my job to teach her that good people do good things and bad people do bad things? That our choices are who we are and the consequences reflect that? That life is what you make it and bad choices and bad behavior will make it bad? How do I teach her that by telling her she's a great kid when she's really not behaving as a great kid? And for the love of pete, how the fuck do I get the kid to do a damn chore?! I did follow up with her after a few moments for both of us to calm down and explain to her that I know that she is very capable of being a great kid if she makes the choice to do so, that she's the only one who can make that choice, and that I will help her do that in any way I can. I told her that I am her mom, I am never giving up on her, I will love her with all of my heart forever no matter what, but her bad behavior makes me very sad. Hopefully, that makes the "bad kid" comment just a little less horrible. Or maybe I'm just justifying my bad behavior now. Why the hell didn't anyone tell me this mommy stuff was so damn hard???
Ugh, so this is my struggle today. And actually, most days lately. We'll get through it and I doubt she will be a serial killer or a bank robber, but I am still going to aim to guide her to become a successful, independent, happy adult, no matter how hard she fights me on it.
