7 weeks-possible TMI-all pregnancy related!

I am now 7 weeks pregnant. Only 33ish to go. Wahoo. I am fairly miserable with this one. As I've outlined in recent posts, my demeanor is less than pleasant. I feel nauseous pretty much all the time, in a car it is intensified. I'm having horrible cravings for things that I don't even like. I devoured 10 jalapeno poppers earlier this afternoon and I hate jalapenos. These are officially my pregnancy addiction...well, for now. I am also craving jagermeister (a craving I have not satisfied) and I have never, ever liked that stuff at all. I also have so. much. cramping. I have never felt so uncomfortable so early! I have honestly contemplated a trip to urgent care a couple times. Because of this I will probably call and bump up my first prenatal appointment a bit. When I called to make my appointment they were willing to see me right away at 4 weeks so I am sure this won't be a problem. Maybe I'll even get an early ultrasound for a sneak peak. I am also way more exhausted than I have ever been in a pregnancy. I wonder if that has anything to do with already having 4 kids, including one that is still a baby, and Bj being gone with all the stress we're under right now?Nah...probably not. I miss Bj like crazy! Honestly, before he left, I was ready for some space and a break but, I'm done now. I want my husband back. My house is a disaster, I would honestly give someone my very last dollars to come sweep and mop my floors and fold my laundry. But, I am going to make great efforts to get all of that done this weekend. I am sure my kids will be super helpful. The good news is this will all turn into an awesome crying, pooping, sleep machine and that really is super amazing and awesome! I am a horrible pregnant woman but a great mom. Can't win 'em all. :)

Amazing!

My kids are just absolutely, incredibly, amazing! I know, all moms say that, and all moms are right! Anyone who knows my kids doesn't need to be convinced that they are freaking rock stars, but that's okay, it's my blog and I'll brag if I want to!

I'm going to start with Ms. Mylee. That girl...oh that girl! "She is somethin' else," I always say. Since the day she was born she has had a mind of her own. She was colicky and lactose intolerant so the first few months of her life were a complete struggle for both of us. The only way we could get her to sleep was to play jungle sounds on a CD player in her room, complete with very loud monkey screeching, at FULL VOLUME. This is how she got her nickname, Mama Monkey. I have no idea how we figured that out to be honest, but it was a life-saver for all of us. That was probably about when I realized that I had created my mini-me. She is so strong-willed. She knows what she wants and she is smart and creative and will find a way to get it no matter how many times she's told no. She's a sweet and caring child, too. My mom passed away when I was 3 months pregnant with Mylee (my mom's name was Myra Lee and that's where we got Mylee's name) and her birthday was this last Saturday. I told Mylee and Austin that it was Grandma Myra's birthday and Austin said, with a very sad face, "but grandma is dead." Mylee said, "that's ok, we can still sing to her, she'll still hear us." And so they sang. She is sassy and can have quite the attitude at times but also has a tender heart and would never intentionally hurt anyone, emotionally or physically. She is extremely smart! She reads and does math way ahead of her grade level and enjoys letting people know that she is smart.

Next is Hailey. Oh my dear, sweet Hailey. She is my sensitive child. She feels all the emotions around her. She had a boy in her class that was autistic when she was in kindergarten and she was trying to help him do a puzzle. The little boy got frustrated with her and pushed/hit her to get her away from him. A few days later some other kids in the class weren't being very nice to him and my sweet little girl stood up to them and said, "everyone needs friends and he deserves friends too, so be nice to him!" Still to this day she has no problem standing up for what she knows is right and has a damn good moral compass for an 8 year old. She's also extremely smart. She has almost finished the Harry Potter series, she only has the seventh book to read, and that's only because she got into the Percy Jackson series and it deterred her. She's currently on the third book in that series. She always gets her homework done on the bus on her way home from school and gets excellent grades and reports from teachers. She's also pretty funny. She comes up with some pretty good original jokes. She's super helpful, too. If I need help with something, she is always right there. She loves to bake and help with her little brother. She keeps her things nice and neat which is great since she's the only one in the house who does!

Little Colton James is getting so big and fun! I cannot believe he will be a year old in 3 weeks! His nickname is Evil Knievel, this child wriggles his way out of everything...the walker, the highchair...if he's in anything long enough he will fall out on his head. It's scary for sure! He said his first word the other day! He's been making the "mama" and "dada" sounds for a while now along with random yelling all the time, but the other day Bj went outside for a minute, which really irritated Colt, and as soon as he walked back in the room Colt's face lit up and he said, "dada!" very excitedly! He's said it to him a few times since as well so I am officially calling it the first word. He loves his walker and scoots everywhere in that thing. He's even gotten to the point that he lifts it up when he gets caught up on things. As soon as he gets the standing/balance thing down he's just going to start running, I'm pretty sure. He's convinced that he's way beyond being fed and that he needs to have foods that he can feed himself so we are working on that. He's a super happy baby and makes having a baby really fun and easy!

Last, but certainly not least, Mr. Austin! He is so sweet! He tells me at least 20 times a day, "mom, I love you!" He is obsessed with everything Spiderman right now and thought that he was the richest little boy in the world when I bought him two of the movies at the pawn shop for about $5. He told everyone his mom bought him Spiderman movies for $100 at the store. He is not at all shy and makes friends everywhere we go. He is pretty funny and has the most adorable laugh! He's also quite sensitive and thoughtful. When I asked him what he wants for Christmas he told me about a couple toys that he wanted and a blanket then said that he wants a rose to give to me. He adores his big sisters and misses them like crazy all day when they are at school. He learned the pledge of allegiance at school and messes it up in a few parts and it's actually completely adorable. He loves to be a big helper to mom with the housework. He really loves to hear stories, especially about Spiderman or Cars. He gets so excited over everything and it is so fascinating to me to see his innocence and amazement at the things that we take for granted.

They are certainly not perfect, but, like I said before, my kids are absolutely, incredibly amazing!! This all makes me super excited to meet the new baby and nurture and guide him or her into becoming the amazing person he or she is going to be! Even with the crappy attitude I've had lately, I can see that I am a very lucky woman and I have so very much to be thankful for!!

Fat mom's a bitch when she's pregnant!

My wonderful brother-in-law, Justin told me that when I was pregnant with Ms Mylee almost exactly 7 years ago. It keeps playing over and over in my head the last few days. I hate everyone, seriously. It is all I can do not to freak out on people. Bj is fairly tolerable, though we even got into quite the "discussion" the other night over I cannot even remember what. The kids are making me insane. Hailey's dad makes me want to spit poison into his eyes because we make arrangements for his visitation and he doesn't comply with them and I ask him to convey messages to her since she really doesn't like to talk on the phone and she never gets them.  Random people make me want to scream at them just by walking in an annoying way. Yep, I am a miserable, pregnant bitch. I am usually so good at finding a positive attitude about things. I realize that attitude is everything and it's all about perspective...blah blah blah. It all seems stupid these days. I am just going to stay in my house and avoid the public, no one should have to put up with my crazy bitchiness, except Bj since this is all his fault. I also have zero motivation to do anything. My house looks like a tornado went through it and I've been trying to work on it all week and just feel like I'm covered in cement and can't do anything. I'm getting more sickness and crazy cramping all the time. And, I know this sounds crazy, but I am terrified that there is twins in there! I have way stronger symptoms this time than ever before, I'm much more exhausted than I've ever been, I had a dream that Bj and I were sitting together and two identical babies were crawling toward us, I keep thinking/saying 6 kids when I think about how many we're going to have even though I know this will be my last, and Austin told my dad I'm having two babies. All probably just crazy paranoia, but really, that would be just my luck!

In conclusion, I hate being pregnant and I am so glad this is the last time I am doing it! I am still super excited about the baby and cannot wait to hold him and/or her and kiss the little baby lips, but getting to that point sucks.

Back and forth

Some days I can find a super positive attitude about our life right now and others I seriously struggle to find the silver lining in it all. Today is one of the struggles. I love my babies, each and every one of them, more than life itself and I know that this baby will get just as much love and is going to be amazing. I also know that I only have so much time and energy in my day and have no idea how on earth I am going to juggle helping the older kids with homework (though, if I'm honest, neither one of the girls really ask for or require much help), keeping the housework up, doing all the shopping, paying the bills, keeping them all bathed and looking presentable, chasing around a toddler, middle of the night newborn feedings, taking FIVE children with us everywhere we go, making individual time for each child so that they feel special, finding time to spend with Bj and maintaining a good, healthy relationship, and finding time for myself to maintain my sanity. I am absolutely terrified right now. Not to mention the financial aspect of it all. I finally got the courage to let our landlord know today that we are going to have to move out early and she was so wonderful and understanding it made me cry, so that was helpful but I offered to try to get new renters so that will be one more thing to keep up on. We have to come up with money for Christmas gifts, two birthdays, and a deposit and money to move in January. Thankfully Bj has a few weeks of work with his dad that pays pretty well but we don't have any idea when he will receive the pay for it and it means I am going to be here alone for most of December. That means that most of the moving responsibility and all of the child care will be up to me. I CAN do this and I know I can, but holy crap it scares the hell out of me. I don't regret any choices I've made and I certainly don't regret my babies but I am not going to lie, the fact that I've done things totally backwards has crossed my mind a few times. What if I had waited to have babies until I met Bj? What if I had taken advantage of the full tuition scholarship I got when I was 18 or the other 4 attempts I've made at school and gotten a degree before I had kids? What if my birth control had stayed put or I had gotten it replaced right away and we weren't preparing for baby number 5 at this point in our life? Seems like I could have definitely made this life a lot easier on myself and in turn a lot better for my kids. Again, I have no regrets at all, but it doesn't stop the what-ifs from taking over sometimes. Life is seriously tough right now but everything happens for a reason and I just have to keep that in mind. I usually take life one day at a time, but today I am literally going one moment at a time. We will be okay and I know that, but right now it is a struggle to remember that.

Thanksgiving!

We had our family Thanksgiving celebration/dinner last night and I think it was pretty great!We did it last night because Hailey is going to stay with her dad for Thanksgiving this year. Bj and I worked together to get a huge dinner cooked. We made turkey, ham, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes and gravy, sweet potato casserole, cranberry salad, stuffing, rolls, and pumpkin pie. We had a few close friends, more like family really, over to eat with us and it was a really good time! Everyone left completely full!

This will be our only Thanksgiving celebration this year. My parents haven't said anything about what they are doing this year and I do not get along with much of Bj's family at all so I am choosing to avoid that discomfort and stress this year. We also have a lot to get done this weekend! Bj got a job that he will start this weekend and he will be gone until around Christmas time. My car is not running at the moment so that has to be fixed and we have a bunch of firewood to split and a yard to clean if we are going to move in January! This all has to happen before he leaves so we don't have time to do much else anyway.

I haven't told our landlord that we have to move before our lease is up and I am super stressed about that. I hate to do this because she has been so great. I do know that we can't stay here and have Bj go to school, so it's something that we have to do, but I am dreading it. As far as the pregnancy, I am almost 6 weeks and feeling alright. The only time I seem to get sick is if I'm in a vehicle that Bj is driving. I haven't been too grumpy or irritable yet. Of course, I cry about pretty much everything. The older kids are doing well. Hailey's excited to go spend time with her dad, Mylee and Austin are writing and changing their Christmas lists everyday, and Colton loves stuffing and green bean casserole! Austin still believes that the baby is a girl and calls it she all the time. He's still convinced we should name her Flower, also. Bj and I decided against that and settled on Maci YulaRae for a girl or Logan Burl for a boy. It's nice to get that out of the way! Now, just 34 or so weeks to wait! :)

Venting, ranting, and raging just a bit!

We have had a few interesting reactions to the announcement of this pregnancy. People asking me if we are crazy and asking if they need to tell us how that happened are among my least favorite. I am also not a big fan of the ones that feel the need to explain to me how expensive and time consuming babies/children are. And who the hell says, "Good luck!" to someone who is pregnant? My response to these things: No, we are not crazy, we are actually very sane and happy, thanks! I'm pretty sure we've got the "how it happens" down quite well, I've managed it 5 times now, but thanks! Yes, we are VERY aware of how much work it is to be parents and how much money it costs to properly take care of our kids. We've actually been doing this for a while. We're pretty fabulous parents and really don't need luck, but THANKS A FREAKING BUNCH!!

NO ONE else raises my kids. NO ONE else supports my kids. Yes, we may be using a little bit of assistance right now to get Bj through school, but isn't that what those programs are actually meant for? To help people get back on their feet?? We are using the assistance to help us not have to use assistance ever again, I don't feel bad about that. I have not had a babysitter in 3 months. August 10th, when I picked Bj up from the airport is the last time that someone sat with all 4 kids for us to have some time to ourselves. So again, no one else raises or supports my kids. I suppose that means that my having another one is really not anyone else's business. Yes, I made it public knowledge by putting it on Facebook. I was hoping to get excitement and congratulations! Honestly, if anyone thinks this baby is a bad thing or is anything less than happy and excited for us then they should keep it to themselves!

5 kids is a lot, trust me, I know this! I never even planned on having any kids until I found out about Hailey. Now that I have them, I am a damn good mom! My kids are awesome. They are all very smart, considerate, happy, healthy, hard-working, respectful, well-behaved kids! Of course, they aren't perfect, but they know that they will have consequences for their actions and they even take punishments quite responsibly. My house is usually pretty much a mess, I probably spend a little more time on the computer than I should, and I tend to yell a bit more than I'd like to, so of course, I am not a perfect mom. The thought, "well, she/he will probably discuss THAT with a therapist in 20 years," actually crosses my mind quite often. But they are loved and they know they are and they are so confident in themselves. We must be doing a lot right with these guys and that makes me completely confident that adding another baby will be great! They won't be able to have golf lessons or a new car or every new gaming system that comes out unless they earn it, but can anyone tell me what is wrong with children having to earn the things that they want?? What a shame that I'm not spoiling my kids and I'm teaching them to work for the things that they want!

Ok, I'm done venting. But seriously, the next time anyone says to me, "Don't you know how that happens??" they are probably going to get quite the earful from me. I am sure some people think they are being funny, but they're not. We are having a baby, that's wonderful and exciting and it's not at all a joke!

We have a plan!!!

We officially have a plan and have even started taking the steps to make it happen. I am so excited! Bj is going to go to school! There is a technical college in St. George that has a diesel mechanic program and he is  going to go full-time so it will only take him a year to get it done. We met with the admissions lady today and he took his accuplacer test. He had to have certain minimum scores in math, reading comprehension, and English to be able to enter the program without taking any extra courses first and he did great on all three! The next step is to meet with the guy who will process his financial aid, but that's going to have to wait until next week at least since he's in Hawaii right now (oh the jealousy I feel!). Thankfully the next quarter doesn't start until January 7th so we have plenty of time to get everything done as long as the college staff is helpful. Of course, living in Beryl would make going to school in St. George very expensive since it's over 100 miles round trip every day so we are going to be moving to St. George at the beginning of the year! We'll be able to get rid of one of our vehicles so that will help the finances. We won't have to drive to town for every little thing, including doctor's appointments, so that will save a lot of money for sure! And living close to grocery stores, banks, other people, etc. will help my sanity! I loved the country/secluded life when we first moved out here but now I'm sick of it. I have to drive 15 miles just to get to a gas station! We are going to have to break our lease which I absolutely hate because our landlord is great and has been wonderful to us. I am going to do everything I can to try to help find someone to take our place and we certainly wouldn't do it if we didn't have to so I am hoping she will understand and this won't cause her too many issues.

At first, I was scared to death when I found out we were having another baby but now I'm super excited! Bj and I are pretty resourceful and we are great parents with 4 awesome, well-behaved, happy, crazy kids already and one more will just be that much more fun! I really think this jump started our motivation to truly figure out what our next step in life should be and here we are, Bj's going to school! Yay!! Life is absolutely wonderful and going just as it should for us I believe!

The Story, 4 weeks! **TMI alert!!!**

I found out on Monday that I am pregnant with number 5. I kind of expected it. We certainly weren't trying at all, but our methods of birth control weren't exactly solid either, obviously. I had an IUD put in at my 6 week postpartum check up after Colton was born, but that fell out a couple months ago so I was trying to do natural family planning, which is basically figuring out when you are ovulating and not doing the baby making dance around that day. According to my calendar, I was supposed to ovulate on October 29. We did the dance on the 25th and we used spermicide. I am fully aware that spermicide alone is not a very reliable method of birth control, but figured with ovulation a few days away, it would probably be ok. I have Mittelschmerz, which means I can actually feel it when I ovulate every month, I have a pain in the ovary that releases the egg that month. On the 26th I got the ovulation pain and had other signs of ovulation. I couldn't believe it! I told Bj that I was pretty sure I was ovulating that day and that some of his swimmers could still be hanging around in there. Of course, he didn't seem too concerned and I honestly thought the chances were pretty slim. I think they say that something like 25% of pregnancies actually stick. So, I figured with the spermicide and the low chances of having a pregnancy implant and stick, that we'd be pretty safe. Even still, I am a poas (pee on a stick) addict. I love peeing on those damn things and you can get them so cheap these days!! I started peeing on things about 6 days after I ovulated. Which is WAY too early to get a positive anyway, but I did it. I literally peed on at least 50 pregnancy tests this cycle. (I got a batch of 50 on ebay for 32 cents a piece so I really didn't piss away TOO much money!) My period was due on Monday, so when I was still getting negative results on Sunday, about 15 days after I ovulated, I figured that I was for sure safe. I just took one Monday morning while Bj was taking the girls to school because it was a habit at that point. Seriously, "Hmmm, I need to pee...get the cup, get the pee stick, pee in the cup, dip the stick." I didn't even look at it for a few minutes, but when I did there was for sure a line. So I got out another stick....and another...and another...I took 6 of the damn things before Bj got home!! All of them had two lines!!

When Bj got home I was crying like a baby! I handed him the stick, well one of the six, and he could see the line too. He smiled, yes smiled, and told me to stop crying and said that we'd be ok! I love that man! We got the boys ready, went to town to get a couple more expensive, reliable tests and I took one and it also, shockingly, had a second, faint pink line! Well, seven tests later I should be pretty convinced! But of course I took 3 more, why not? I had a doctor's appointment for my cold that afternoon so I asked if they could also do a confirmation of pregnancy for me while I was there. They took my urine sample and I watched the nurse drop the urine in the test. The doctor came in and dealt with my cold/sinus symptoms then told me he was going to go check the results of my test. I told him that I had ten positive ones at home, two different brands, so his better be positive or he needs new tests! He went to check, came back in the room and said, "You are going to laugh..." it was freaking negative!!! He said he even did a second one just to be sure! You have got to be freaking kidding me! He was pretty convinced that I had gotten the positives at home so he ordered a blood test but the results wouldn't come in until the next day. He gave me some prescriptions for my sinuses, drew some blood, and sent me on my way. At this point I was a little confused so at the pharmacy I picked up a box of two digital tests (yay! an excuse to pee on something else!) and took one as soon as I got home. This is the one in the picture and it said pregnant. So then I just had to wait to hear from the doctor the next day. Though I did still have a few pee sticks left so took those of course. By the time I got the blood confirmation I had about 15 hpts that said I was. When they called to tell me it was positive I was far from surprised and requested that they get new tests at the office! Bj and I decided that we weren't going to announce it until after our first prenatal check up, which is conveniently scheduled at the same time as Colton's 12 month check-up, but I am a horrible secret keeper so I had to spill the beans right away. He was slightly annoyed but agreed that I could tell!

So far I am feeling pretty good. I am still only about 4 1/2 weeks though so there is plenty of time for that to change. I do think I feel a bit of morning sickness starting to come on, but with the other pregnancies, and I have plenty to compare to, I never got sick so I'm hoping that this one will go the same way. My first check up is on December 20 so I will be just over 9 weeks. I never mentioned my IUD falling out to my doctor so his reaction should be interesting! With the last 4 pregnancies I had intended to quit smoking but just kept being selfish and smoked the whole time but with this one I actually hadn't smoked for about 5 days when I found out because of the cold/sinus stuff so I figured I might as well just stick with it this time and I'm on day 8 with no cigarettes, Bj has even cut way back so that's awesome! I am at a much heavier weight than I want to be starting a pregnancy, 208 lbs at the moment, but there's nothing I can do about that now except try not to gain too much in the next 9 months so that's my goal. Baby is due around July 20th as far as I can tell. The older kids all know and they are pretty excited! They are all trying to help name him or her. Austin suggested Flower for a girl. I told him we'll take it into consideration! They are all great big brothers and sisters so this baby will be super loved!

Baby number five!

So, this detached parent just found out she is going to be blessed again! Yep, that's right, baby number five. Woohoo! I truly am thrilled. I mean, what is there to not be thrilled about? The fact that our youngest is still a baby himself? The fact that I scheduled my first prenatal checkup at the same time as his 12 month check up? Maybe the fact that my husband currently doesn't have a job and I really have no idea when he will again? Or how about the fact that we are supposed to make a huge move across the country just a couple months before this little bundle of joy is due? Yeah, that's all pretty stressful and terrifying.

BUT, I'M GOING TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY WITH THE MAN OF MY DREAMS! YAAAAY!!! We get to add another crazy, awesome personality to our already amazing group of crazy, awesome personalities. And yes, the money thing is going to be tough, but when isn't it? We have a crib, a playpen, a car seat, a walker, a jumperoo, a baby bath...literally all of the essentials since we still have a baby in the house now. That helps a TON. We will still very much be in baby mode as far as diaper changing, bottles, baby food, diaper bag everywhere we go, etc. so that won't be a transition. I'm a stellar mom, of course, so  I should obviously produce one more awesome person to send out into the world as a fabulous, productive adult in 18 years. And my husband and I are really truly in love and neither of us is ever going anywhere so these kids all have a happy, stable, loving home and really, what more do they need? Well, besides food, water, clothing, shelter...you know, the small details.

As far as a plan, we don't have one. We literally spent most of the night "discussing" our options and, while there are actually a few options, we could not agree on which one would be best for us right now. Neither of us has any way of knowing how any potential move will turn out in the end, but we see them going differently I guess. To be fair to us, we did just find out we are having our fifth child and our decision making skills could be suffering slightly from the shock. But, we will figure this out and do the best thing we can for these kids, we always do! As of now, we are on food and medical assistance with the state, which I hate! We have been raising 3-4 kids on poverty level income (well, for the most part, with the exception of 3 months of good income) up until last month with no food assistance, but with him being out of work it was a step we had to take. We have plans to improve our situation and intend to get off of all assistance as soon as possible. I know I don't owe anyone an explanation, but that is something that I am personally struggling with a lot. My husband is planning to go to school, so the next year to 18 months could be pretty rough, but school will be worth any struggle if it improves our lives!

We are excited. I know it seems crazy in our situation to be excited about another mouth to feed, but we are. It's a baby, and how can you not be excited about a baby?!