My answer.

Why is there so much community blame going around for the horrible tragedy that happened last Friday? I have heard that it is due to taking God out of the schools, it's because we are accepting homosexual relationships, because we allow "assault rifles" to be sold to and owned by civilians. Why aren't parents being looked at a little closer?

While I agree that children have to be raised with a sense of right and wrong, I fully disagree that this must be done through church and God. I do not teach based on any religious beliefs and we do not go to church. My kids still know the difference between right and wrong. I am a good moral person raising children with morals and values and have never needed to put the fear of God into my children to do so. Saying that these things wouldn't happen if children were expected to pray in school every morning is just silly. Parents need to teach their kids right from wrong, with our without a belief in a higher power!

I can't even address the homosexual acceptance reasoning because this one will NEVER make any damn sense to me at all. I will use this opportunity to say that we are all human, we are all equal, and we should all have the same right to marital bliss (or misery, depending on how you do it). Who your neighbor marries will have no effect on your marriage at all, and if it does, you have far greater issues than who your neighbors are! I hate that such an important portion of our society is being discriminated against. I can't wait until our grandchildren look back on this time and think what a bunch of assholes we were for ever trying to discriminate based on something so ridiculous.

I am sick of hearing, "why do you need a rifle that will shoot so many bullets?" Ok, any rifle will shoot as many rounds through it as I put in it. These "assault rifles" are mechanically almost identical to any other rifle. They are not automatic weapons that shoot a hundred rounds with one pull of the trigger. The big difference between these rifles and your grandpa's deer hunting rifle is cosmetics. There are millions of people who own semi-automatic rifles that have never killed anyone. The second amendment was put in place to restrict the government from infringing on the right to bare arms. Please, explain to me how restricting the arms we can bare is not infringing. This isn't about the guns. This is about the individuals who committed these atrocious acts! You want to restrict something? How about we start testing and doing background checks for becoming a parent? We have so many children these days who are being raised by video games, not being supervised, not being taught! You want to ask me why I need a semi-automatic AR-15? Well, why the hell does your 8 year old need to be playing Call of Duty or Grand Theft Auto? Why are parents trying to be friends to their children instead of parents? Why are parents so afraid of recognizing an issue with their children and seeking the help that they need? Why aren't we setting boundaries and providing consistent consequences for actions? Children need to be taught about real life and parented and taught respect and responsibility. They need morals and values. I would be VERY interested to see how these killers were raised. Were they given boundaries and consistent consequences? Were they taught about the value of life? Were they "out of control" teens with mental issues that didn't receive the time, attention, and help they needed?

It doesn't matter what guns are restricted, it won't help. Sure, take away the guns that fire several rounds quickly. Automatic rifles are already illegal, didn't do as much good as you had hoped, did it? The next guy will just download plans for a home made bomb on the internet and blow up the entire school. IT IS GOING TO CONTINUE! The answer isn't taking away the means for the violence. It is parenting, raising kids who don't want to do these things, and recognizing mental issues before they get to this point and getting the help needed! Let's screen parents regarding values before they become parents. Let's offer a lot of parenting resources and education. Let's do mental screenings in high school like we do the SATs and get help for the children who need it! Don't get me wrong. I am about to have five children and the fact that I have five chances to completely screw up a child and send a mess of an adult out into the world scares the hell out of me. I will be the first to admit that I am FAR from the perfect parent, but I do believe that I am teaching them life lessons that need to be taught and I am involved with them enough that I will recognize an issue like this and get them help long before it ever gets to this point. The answer to these problems is good parenting and getting people the help that they need.

9 weeks, 7 weeks, 1 year...

I am 9 weeks pregnant! I have not smoked at all, not even a drag while Bj was home, for 7 weeks! My baby is 1 year old!! I feel like time is just flying by. We have so much going on right now and I feel like just yesterday I was thinking, "I have a whole month to pack and get ready to move!" Now I am sitting here with more like 13 days and have done pretty much nothing! Whoops. With Bj being gone, 4 kids to keep up with, trips to town every time I need something, fatigue from the pregnancy, stress about getting this place back to the condition it was in when we moved in here, and finding a place to live next month, I have been a bit overwhelmed!

We finally found a place to live next month while Bj was home. It is a very, very small upstairs apartment unit. There are three bedrooms and one bath so it's a little better than what we've got going on now since we've only been using two bedrooms here. The complex has a pool which is right outside our door and a really nice park right down the road that I'm sure the boys and I will walk to as often as possible. My doctor's office is half a mile away so I could walk there when it's nice out, which is very nice. There is a grocery store which is also about half a mile away. I am not going to know what to do when I don't have to plan an entire day around a trip to the store! It'll be amazing! The rent is on the more affordable side of what we had budgeted so that is great! We paid a little extra to be able to start to move in on the 26th and the goal is to be able to wake up in our new place on New Year's morning! Overall, we know it's going to be tough with the limited space but we are very excited to get moved in and start this next chapter. As we've said to ourselves many times, it's only for a year and we can do anything for a year!

Yesterday was my little man's first birthday! This last year was crazy and went by so fast. Colton is such a fun, happy, easy little guy. He makes having a baby so simple! His brother and sisters told him happy birthday about 100 times yesterday, and even though he had no clue what was going on, I think he knew that he was a big deal. We did cupcakes for him on Sunday. I didn't make a super huge deal about it because, let's face it, a one-year old doesn't remember, nor care about, his birthday!

We are trying a new discipline/coping method with Mylee these days. She is such a sweet, amazing little girl, but she's also angry and sad about her dad and I getting divorced. She loves Bj and knows that her dad and I weren't good for each other, but still misses Shane so much that she wishes we would get back together. She takes all of this anger out on me because she doesn't get the chance to be angry with her dad due to his almost complete lack of involvement. This anger is expressed by her not doing her chores, yelling at me, having an attitude with me or her siblings, intentionally acting out, etc. I cannot continue to be punished by my 6 year old! She really enjoys writing these days so I got her a "time-out journal." I picked out a journal at Barnes and Nobles with a Footprints poem theme. I have been in love with that poem since the first time I read it, my mom used to buy me things with it printed on them, and Mylee has decided that, regardless of what anyone else thinks, she believes in God (which I think is incredible!), so it seemed fitting. She gets the journal when I can tell that she is struggling with feelings and she is to write me a letter in it to express how she feels and I will respond and we will try to work through her feelings in a productive way. We have done it once and right away she seemed to be feeling better so I am hoping it continues to help her!

The kids all have a Christmas program tomorrow night that they are SO excited about! Bj and I got them all new dress clothes for it and Austin is thrilled to wear his suit and "bow-tie" (it's just a regular tie but, try to convince him of that!) Hailey has two parts in the play so she is very excited and very sad that Bj won't be there. I probably better make sure to remember the camera!

We definitely have a very busy couple weeks ahead of us! My first appointment is Thursday, Bj should be home by the weekend, then it's Christmas, then we start moving! I probably better start collecting boxes and packing! Oh yeah, and our dryer is broken so I have to find a way to do all of our laundry in the meantime! Like they say, when it rains it pours. I am just glad that I am resilient and I can adjust to whatever life throws at me and make it work! I hope everyone has a wonderful, merry Christmas!!

2 years already!?

On this day 2 years ago, I met my best friend and the love of my life! I had just moved back to Utah after living in Minnesota and Texas for about 7 years and was separating from my husband at the time. When my ex-husband and I separated in November 2010, I told my dear friend that my next boyfriend would have to drive a big Chevy truck, drink Bud Light, and love to hunt, shoot guns, and be outdoors (the exact opposite of my ex-husband). He said, "well, let me give you Bj's number, he fits that description." I let him give Bj my number and he text me that night, November 19. At first, I wanted nothing to do with Bj. I was still pretty confused about my marriage and separation and moving and all the big changes that were happening for myself and my kids. My friend, Ali, was visiting me in Texas the night he and I started talking and I remember telling her, "Oh wow, this guy is ridiculous!" (to be fair, he was drinking and that does make him a bit ridiculous) I didn't text him or reply to his texts much after that but it didn't stop him from texting me every morning to say good morning and most evenings to ask how my day was. The kids and I moved from Texas to Utah around December 1st and he was still texting me daily and pretty much getting brushed off. He was persistent, that's for sure! One night I was talking to our friend, Zac, who spent a lot of time with Bj and asked him what Bj was doing and he said that he was hanging out with his "girlfriend." This obviously irritated me quite a bit, enough to peak my interest, if for no other reason than to call him out for being a jerk! So the next morning I asked him how his night with his girlfriend was and he denied having one and was very adamant that she was just his friend. I started to give him a hard time about it which led to more texting than usual and actual conversations between us. I found out that he was actually kinda charming and interesting. We ended up talking on the phone a few times and decided that we should meet. I arranged for my parents to watch the kids and came down for the night to hang out with him and Zac. All the way here I was so nervous. I just kept thinking, "what if he doesn't like me?" and "what if I can't stand him?" along with about a million other things that someone headed for, basically, a blind date probably thinks! When I got to town I was supposed to call him so he could meet me and lead me to his house but of course my phone didn't get service in the middle of no where so I had to call him from the tire shop. I called him and he met me about 10 minutes later. It was probably the longest 10 minutes ever! As soon as he pulled up and got out of his truck I knew I was in big trouble! I can still remember what he was wearing: wranglers, boots, an old grey high school hoodie, and a hat. He was pretty muddy from working on the farm and I just remember thinking, "aaaw! He didn't shower or change or anything before he came up here! Now that's a real man and he's not trying to hide who he is!"

We met up with Zac and he and I headed to town and Bj was going to meet us after he got his paycheck. We headed to Chili's to wait for Bj and I was so scared that he would sit by Zac once he got there (completely silly girl shit, I know). Luckily, I must be a little better looking than Zac because he slid into the booth next to me, still wearing the muddy clothes! Yay! I could tell he was nervous too and it was so damn adorable! He bought my dinner then we talked Zac into driving my van back to Bj's house so we could ride together in his truck. He needed some new boots so we headed to the store to shop. He seriously put his boot on the wrong foot when trying them on! His face turned bright red and again, he was just so damn adorable! He finally found the pair he liked and we headed to the gas station to get a few beers. We headed to his house, which was about an hour trip and we talked the whole way about past relationships, what we wanted out of life, what we expected in a relationship, and I seriously knew I was going to fall in love with him!

That was the beginning of what has, so far, been the greatest chapter of my life story. We are now raising 4, almost 5, babies together and I am amazed at how wonderful and easy a relationship can be. We get irritated with each other, we say things we don't mean at times, but we always work through it. We've seriously been through a lot, but every time we face a challenge together, we come out of it stronger as a couple. I cannot imagine a more amazing father, husband, and best friend! I am seriously the luckiest woman in the world! These two years have been awesome and I love looking forward to the rest of my life with him!

We are not going to die!

I keep reminding myself that we are not going to die. Oh, we can't pay the electric bill on time? It's ok, we'll figure it out and we're not going to die. Shit, I have no gas! It's ok, we'll figure it out and we're not going to die! So, the kids are being hellions today and I'm exhausted? Put on some cartoons and rest on the couch, because for sure, we're not going to die from it! I get myself so stressed out and worked up about everything: the kids being dressed well, the dishes being done, the floors being mopped, the balance in the checking account, etc. Sometimes I forget that these things are important but they are not life or death. I also forget that things always work out in the end. Hailey and I have had so many rough mornings due to her fashion choices on school days. I have no idea what goes on in her head sometimes but she dresses funny in my opinion and I get so worked up about it! I forget that I need to let go of control and let her find herself and her style and if she feels comfortable in the outfit she chose, who am I to tell her she shouldn't wear it (modesty expected and not negotiated on, of course)? Don't we all have elementary school pictures that we look at and say, "Did my parents really let me out of the house in THAT!?" It's part of her process of growing and finding herself and I hate that I get so worked up about it and try to change that part of her. I am 100% sure none of us is going to die from it! The housework gets done sporadically, the house is not disgusting, we are not headed for any of the nasty-house reality shows, the kids have clean clothes and the dishes get done when it becomes necessary and we are not going to die if the house is not immaculately cleaned! We have food on the table and bills get paid before anything necessary gets shut off or is repossessed, we are NOT GOING TO DIE! I spend so much time thinking about, stressing about, and getting worked up about all of this stuff and it's so pointless. The solution always reveals itself in time and never has stressing about it been beneficial to me. So, my thought for the day is "we are not going to die!" I am going to go play with my kids and let the house be a mess and the bank account be overdrawn and the kids be dirty. Who cares? The kids are all healthy and happy and we'll all live!!

7 weeks-possible TMI-all pregnancy related!

I am now 7 weeks pregnant. Only 33ish to go. Wahoo. I am fairly miserable with this one. As I've outlined in recent posts, my demeanor is less than pleasant. I feel nauseous pretty much all the time, in a car it is intensified. I'm having horrible cravings for things that I don't even like. I devoured 10 jalapeno poppers earlier this afternoon and I hate jalapenos. These are officially my pregnancy addiction...well, for now. I am also craving jagermeister (a craving I have not satisfied) and I have never, ever liked that stuff at all. I also have so. much. cramping. I have never felt so uncomfortable so early! I have honestly contemplated a trip to urgent care a couple times. Because of this I will probably call and bump up my first prenatal appointment a bit. When I called to make my appointment they were willing to see me right away at 4 weeks so I am sure this won't be a problem. Maybe I'll even get an early ultrasound for a sneak peak. I am also way more exhausted than I have ever been in a pregnancy. I wonder if that has anything to do with already having 4 kids, including one that is still a baby, and Bj being gone with all the stress we're under right now?Nah...probably not. I miss Bj like crazy! Honestly, before he left, I was ready for some space and a break but, I'm done now. I want my husband back. My house is a disaster, I would honestly give someone my very last dollars to come sweep and mop my floors and fold my laundry. But, I am going to make great efforts to get all of that done this weekend. I am sure my kids will be super helpful. The good news is this will all turn into an awesome crying, pooping, sleep machine and that really is super amazing and awesome! I am a horrible pregnant woman but a great mom. Can't win 'em all. :)

Amazing!

My kids are just absolutely, incredibly, amazing! I know, all moms say that, and all moms are right! Anyone who knows my kids doesn't need to be convinced that they are freaking rock stars, but that's okay, it's my blog and I'll brag if I want to!

I'm going to start with Ms. Mylee. That girl...oh that girl! "She is somethin' else," I always say. Since the day she was born she has had a mind of her own. She was colicky and lactose intolerant so the first few months of her life were a complete struggle for both of us. The only way we could get her to sleep was to play jungle sounds on a CD player in her room, complete with very loud monkey screeching, at FULL VOLUME. This is how she got her nickname, Mama Monkey. I have no idea how we figured that out to be honest, but it was a life-saver for all of us. That was probably about when I realized that I had created my mini-me. She is so strong-willed. She knows what she wants and she is smart and creative and will find a way to get it no matter how many times she's told no. She's a sweet and caring child, too. My mom passed away when I was 3 months pregnant with Mylee (my mom's name was Myra Lee and that's where we got Mylee's name) and her birthday was this last Saturday. I told Mylee and Austin that it was Grandma Myra's birthday and Austin said, with a very sad face, "but grandma is dead." Mylee said, "that's ok, we can still sing to her, she'll still hear us." And so they sang. She is sassy and can have quite the attitude at times but also has a tender heart and would never intentionally hurt anyone, emotionally or physically. She is extremely smart! She reads and does math way ahead of her grade level and enjoys letting people know that she is smart.

Next is Hailey. Oh my dear, sweet Hailey. She is my sensitive child. She feels all the emotions around her. She had a boy in her class that was autistic when she was in kindergarten and she was trying to help him do a puzzle. The little boy got frustrated with her and pushed/hit her to get her away from him. A few days later some other kids in the class weren't being very nice to him and my sweet little girl stood up to them and said, "everyone needs friends and he deserves friends too, so be nice to him!" Still to this day she has no problem standing up for what she knows is right and has a damn good moral compass for an 8 year old. She's also extremely smart. She has almost finished the Harry Potter series, she only has the seventh book to read, and that's only because she got into the Percy Jackson series and it deterred her. She's currently on the third book in that series. She always gets her homework done on the bus on her way home from school and gets excellent grades and reports from teachers. She's also pretty funny. She comes up with some pretty good original jokes. She's super helpful, too. If I need help with something, she is always right there. She loves to bake and help with her little brother. She keeps her things nice and neat which is great since she's the only one in the house who does!

Little Colton James is getting so big and fun! I cannot believe he will be a year old in 3 weeks! His nickname is Evil Knievel, this child wriggles his way out of everything...the walker, the highchair...if he's in anything long enough he will fall out on his head. It's scary for sure! He said his first word the other day! He's been making the "mama" and "dada" sounds for a while now along with random yelling all the time, but the other day Bj went outside for a minute, which really irritated Colt, and as soon as he walked back in the room Colt's face lit up and he said, "dada!" very excitedly! He's said it to him a few times since as well so I am officially calling it the first word. He loves his walker and scoots everywhere in that thing. He's even gotten to the point that he lifts it up when he gets caught up on things. As soon as he gets the standing/balance thing down he's just going to start running, I'm pretty sure. He's convinced that he's way beyond being fed and that he needs to have foods that he can feed himself so we are working on that. He's a super happy baby and makes having a baby really fun and easy!

Last, but certainly not least, Mr. Austin! He is so sweet! He tells me at least 20 times a day, "mom, I love you!" He is obsessed with everything Spiderman right now and thought that he was the richest little boy in the world when I bought him two of the movies at the pawn shop for about $5. He told everyone his mom bought him Spiderman movies for $100 at the store. He is not at all shy and makes friends everywhere we go. He is pretty funny and has the most adorable laugh! He's also quite sensitive and thoughtful. When I asked him what he wants for Christmas he told me about a couple toys that he wanted and a blanket then said that he wants a rose to give to me. He adores his big sisters and misses them like crazy all day when they are at school. He learned the pledge of allegiance at school and messes it up in a few parts and it's actually completely adorable. He loves to be a big helper to mom with the housework. He really loves to hear stories, especially about Spiderman or Cars. He gets so excited over everything and it is so fascinating to me to see his innocence and amazement at the things that we take for granted.

They are certainly not perfect, but, like I said before, my kids are absolutely, incredibly amazing!! This all makes me super excited to meet the new baby and nurture and guide him or her into becoming the amazing person he or she is going to be! Even with the crappy attitude I've had lately, I can see that I am a very lucky woman and I have so very much to be thankful for!!

Fat mom's a bitch when she's pregnant!

My wonderful brother-in-law, Justin told me that when I was pregnant with Ms Mylee almost exactly 7 years ago. It keeps playing over and over in my head the last few days. I hate everyone, seriously. It is all I can do not to freak out on people. Bj is fairly tolerable, though we even got into quite the "discussion" the other night over I cannot even remember what. The kids are making me insane. Hailey's dad makes me want to spit poison into his eyes because we make arrangements for his visitation and he doesn't comply with them and I ask him to convey messages to her since she really doesn't like to talk on the phone and she never gets them.  Random people make me want to scream at them just by walking in an annoying way. Yep, I am a miserable, pregnant bitch. I am usually so good at finding a positive attitude about things. I realize that attitude is everything and it's all about perspective...blah blah blah. It all seems stupid these days. I am just going to stay in my house and avoid the public, no one should have to put up with my crazy bitchiness, except Bj since this is all his fault. I also have zero motivation to do anything. My house looks like a tornado went through it and I've been trying to work on it all week and just feel like I'm covered in cement and can't do anything. I'm getting more sickness and crazy cramping all the time. And, I know this sounds crazy, but I am terrified that there is twins in there! I have way stronger symptoms this time than ever before, I'm much more exhausted than I've ever been, I had a dream that Bj and I were sitting together and two identical babies were crawling toward us, I keep thinking/saying 6 kids when I think about how many we're going to have even though I know this will be my last, and Austin told my dad I'm having two babies. All probably just crazy paranoia, but really, that would be just my luck!

In conclusion, I hate being pregnant and I am so glad this is the last time I am doing it! I am still super excited about the baby and cannot wait to hold him and/or her and kiss the little baby lips, but getting to that point sucks.

Back and forth

Some days I can find a super positive attitude about our life right now and others I seriously struggle to find the silver lining in it all. Today is one of the struggles. I love my babies, each and every one of them, more than life itself and I know that this baby will get just as much love and is going to be amazing. I also know that I only have so much time and energy in my day and have no idea how on earth I am going to juggle helping the older kids with homework (though, if I'm honest, neither one of the girls really ask for or require much help), keeping the housework up, doing all the shopping, paying the bills, keeping them all bathed and looking presentable, chasing around a toddler, middle of the night newborn feedings, taking FIVE children with us everywhere we go, making individual time for each child so that they feel special, finding time to spend with Bj and maintaining a good, healthy relationship, and finding time for myself to maintain my sanity. I am absolutely terrified right now. Not to mention the financial aspect of it all. I finally got the courage to let our landlord know today that we are going to have to move out early and she was so wonderful and understanding it made me cry, so that was helpful but I offered to try to get new renters so that will be one more thing to keep up on. We have to come up with money for Christmas gifts, two birthdays, and a deposit and money to move in January. Thankfully Bj has a few weeks of work with his dad that pays pretty well but we don't have any idea when he will receive the pay for it and it means I am going to be here alone for most of December. That means that most of the moving responsibility and all of the child care will be up to me. I CAN do this and I know I can, but holy crap it scares the hell out of me. I don't regret any choices I've made and I certainly don't regret my babies but I am not going to lie, the fact that I've done things totally backwards has crossed my mind a few times. What if I had waited to have babies until I met Bj? What if I had taken advantage of the full tuition scholarship I got when I was 18 or the other 4 attempts I've made at school and gotten a degree before I had kids? What if my birth control had stayed put or I had gotten it replaced right away and we weren't preparing for baby number 5 at this point in our life? Seems like I could have definitely made this life a lot easier on myself and in turn a lot better for my kids. Again, I have no regrets at all, but it doesn't stop the what-ifs from taking over sometimes. Life is seriously tough right now but everything happens for a reason and I just have to keep that in mind. I usually take life one day at a time, but today I am literally going one moment at a time. We will be okay and I know that, but right now it is a struggle to remember that.

Thanksgiving!

We had our family Thanksgiving celebration/dinner last night and I think it was pretty great!We did it last night because Hailey is going to stay with her dad for Thanksgiving this year. Bj and I worked together to get a huge dinner cooked. We made turkey, ham, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes and gravy, sweet potato casserole, cranberry salad, stuffing, rolls, and pumpkin pie. We had a few close friends, more like family really, over to eat with us and it was a really good time! Everyone left completely full!

This will be our only Thanksgiving celebration this year. My parents haven't said anything about what they are doing this year and I do not get along with much of Bj's family at all so I am choosing to avoid that discomfort and stress this year. We also have a lot to get done this weekend! Bj got a job that he will start this weekend and he will be gone until around Christmas time. My car is not running at the moment so that has to be fixed and we have a bunch of firewood to split and a yard to clean if we are going to move in January! This all has to happen before he leaves so we don't have time to do much else anyway.

I haven't told our landlord that we have to move before our lease is up and I am super stressed about that. I hate to do this because she has been so great. I do know that we can't stay here and have Bj go to school, so it's something that we have to do, but I am dreading it. As far as the pregnancy, I am almost 6 weeks and feeling alright. The only time I seem to get sick is if I'm in a vehicle that Bj is driving. I haven't been too grumpy or irritable yet. Of course, I cry about pretty much everything. The older kids are doing well. Hailey's excited to go spend time with her dad, Mylee and Austin are writing and changing their Christmas lists everyday, and Colton loves stuffing and green bean casserole! Austin still believes that the baby is a girl and calls it she all the time. He's still convinced we should name her Flower, also. Bj and I decided against that and settled on Maci YulaRae for a girl or Logan Burl for a boy. It's nice to get that out of the way! Now, just 34 or so weeks to wait! :)

Venting, ranting, and raging just a bit!

We have had a few interesting reactions to the announcement of this pregnancy. People asking me if we are crazy and asking if they need to tell us how that happened are among my least favorite. I am also not a big fan of the ones that feel the need to explain to me how expensive and time consuming babies/children are. And who the hell says, "Good luck!" to someone who is pregnant? My response to these things: No, we are not crazy, we are actually very sane and happy, thanks! I'm pretty sure we've got the "how it happens" down quite well, I've managed it 5 times now, but thanks! Yes, we are VERY aware of how much work it is to be parents and how much money it costs to properly take care of our kids. We've actually been doing this for a while. We're pretty fabulous parents and really don't need luck, but THANKS A FREAKING BUNCH!!

NO ONE else raises my kids. NO ONE else supports my kids. Yes, we may be using a little bit of assistance right now to get Bj through school, but isn't that what those programs are actually meant for? To help people get back on their feet?? We are using the assistance to help us not have to use assistance ever again, I don't feel bad about that. I have not had a babysitter in 3 months. August 10th, when I picked Bj up from the airport is the last time that someone sat with all 4 kids for us to have some time to ourselves. So again, no one else raises or supports my kids. I suppose that means that my having another one is really not anyone else's business. Yes, I made it public knowledge by putting it on Facebook. I was hoping to get excitement and congratulations! Honestly, if anyone thinks this baby is a bad thing or is anything less than happy and excited for us then they should keep it to themselves!

5 kids is a lot, trust me, I know this! I never even planned on having any kids until I found out about Hailey. Now that I have them, I am a damn good mom! My kids are awesome. They are all very smart, considerate, happy, healthy, hard-working, respectful, well-behaved kids! Of course, they aren't perfect, but they know that they will have consequences for their actions and they even take punishments quite responsibly. My house is usually pretty much a mess, I probably spend a little more time on the computer than I should, and I tend to yell a bit more than I'd like to, so of course, I am not a perfect mom. The thought, "well, she/he will probably discuss THAT with a therapist in 20 years," actually crosses my mind quite often. But they are loved and they know they are and they are so confident in themselves. We must be doing a lot right with these guys and that makes me completely confident that adding another baby will be great! They won't be able to have golf lessons or a new car or every new gaming system that comes out unless they earn it, but can anyone tell me what is wrong with children having to earn the things that they want?? What a shame that I'm not spoiling my kids and I'm teaching them to work for the things that they want!

Ok, I'm done venting. But seriously, the next time anyone says to me, "Don't you know how that happens??" they are probably going to get quite the earful from me. I am sure some people think they are being funny, but they're not. We are having a baby, that's wonderful and exciting and it's not at all a joke!

We have a plan!!!

We officially have a plan and have even started taking the steps to make it happen. I am so excited! Bj is going to go to school! There is a technical college in St. George that has a diesel mechanic program and he is  going to go full-time so it will only take him a year to get it done. We met with the admissions lady today and he took his accuplacer test. He had to have certain minimum scores in math, reading comprehension, and English to be able to enter the program without taking any extra courses first and he did great on all three! The next step is to meet with the guy who will process his financial aid, but that's going to have to wait until next week at least since he's in Hawaii right now (oh the jealousy I feel!). Thankfully the next quarter doesn't start until January 7th so we have plenty of time to get everything done as long as the college staff is helpful. Of course, living in Beryl would make going to school in St. George very expensive since it's over 100 miles round trip every day so we are going to be moving to St. George at the beginning of the year! We'll be able to get rid of one of our vehicles so that will help the finances. We won't have to drive to town for every little thing, including doctor's appointments, so that will save a lot of money for sure! And living close to grocery stores, banks, other people, etc. will help my sanity! I loved the country/secluded life when we first moved out here but now I'm sick of it. I have to drive 15 miles just to get to a gas station! We are going to have to break our lease which I absolutely hate because our landlord is great and has been wonderful to us. I am going to do everything I can to try to help find someone to take our place and we certainly wouldn't do it if we didn't have to so I am hoping she will understand and this won't cause her too many issues.

At first, I was scared to death when I found out we were having another baby but now I'm super excited! Bj and I are pretty resourceful and we are great parents with 4 awesome, well-behaved, happy, crazy kids already and one more will just be that much more fun! I really think this jump started our motivation to truly figure out what our next step in life should be and here we are, Bj's going to school! Yay!! Life is absolutely wonderful and going just as it should for us I believe!

The Story, 4 weeks! **TMI alert!!!**

I found out on Monday that I am pregnant with number 5. I kind of expected it. We certainly weren't trying at all, but our methods of birth control weren't exactly solid either, obviously. I had an IUD put in at my 6 week postpartum check up after Colton was born, but that fell out a couple months ago so I was trying to do natural family planning, which is basically figuring out when you are ovulating and not doing the baby making dance around that day. According to my calendar, I was supposed to ovulate on October 29. We did the dance on the 25th and we used spermicide. I am fully aware that spermicide alone is not a very reliable method of birth control, but figured with ovulation a few days away, it would probably be ok. I have Mittelschmerz, which means I can actually feel it when I ovulate every month, I have a pain in the ovary that releases the egg that month. On the 26th I got the ovulation pain and had other signs of ovulation. I couldn't believe it! I told Bj that I was pretty sure I was ovulating that day and that some of his swimmers could still be hanging around in there. Of course, he didn't seem too concerned and I honestly thought the chances were pretty slim. I think they say that something like 25% of pregnancies actually stick. So, I figured with the spermicide and the low chances of having a pregnancy implant and stick, that we'd be pretty safe. Even still, I am a poas (pee on a stick) addict. I love peeing on those damn things and you can get them so cheap these days!! I started peeing on things about 6 days after I ovulated. Which is WAY too early to get a positive anyway, but I did it. I literally peed on at least 50 pregnancy tests this cycle. (I got a batch of 50 on ebay for 32 cents a piece so I really didn't piss away TOO much money!) My period was due on Monday, so when I was still getting negative results on Sunday, about 15 days after I ovulated, I figured that I was for sure safe. I just took one Monday morning while Bj was taking the girls to school because it was a habit at that point. Seriously, "Hmmm, I need to pee...get the cup, get the pee stick, pee in the cup, dip the stick." I didn't even look at it for a few minutes, but when I did there was for sure a line. So I got out another stick....and another...and another...I took 6 of the damn things before Bj got home!! All of them had two lines!!

When Bj got home I was crying like a baby! I handed him the stick, well one of the six, and he could see the line too. He smiled, yes smiled, and told me to stop crying and said that we'd be ok! I love that man! We got the boys ready, went to town to get a couple more expensive, reliable tests and I took one and it also, shockingly, had a second, faint pink line! Well, seven tests later I should be pretty convinced! But of course I took 3 more, why not? I had a doctor's appointment for my cold that afternoon so I asked if they could also do a confirmation of pregnancy for me while I was there. They took my urine sample and I watched the nurse drop the urine in the test. The doctor came in and dealt with my cold/sinus symptoms then told me he was going to go check the results of my test. I told him that I had ten positive ones at home, two different brands, so his better be positive or he needs new tests! He went to check, came back in the room and said, "You are going to laugh..." it was freaking negative!!! He said he even did a second one just to be sure! You have got to be freaking kidding me! He was pretty convinced that I had gotten the positives at home so he ordered a blood test but the results wouldn't come in until the next day. He gave me some prescriptions for my sinuses, drew some blood, and sent me on my way. At this point I was a little confused so at the pharmacy I picked up a box of two digital tests (yay! an excuse to pee on something else!) and took one as soon as I got home. This is the one in the picture and it said pregnant. So then I just had to wait to hear from the doctor the next day. Though I did still have a few pee sticks left so took those of course. By the time I got the blood confirmation I had about 15 hpts that said I was. When they called to tell me it was positive I was far from surprised and requested that they get new tests at the office! Bj and I decided that we weren't going to announce it until after our first prenatal check up, which is conveniently scheduled at the same time as Colton's 12 month check-up, but I am a horrible secret keeper so I had to spill the beans right away. He was slightly annoyed but agreed that I could tell!

So far I am feeling pretty good. I am still only about 4 1/2 weeks though so there is plenty of time for that to change. I do think I feel a bit of morning sickness starting to come on, but with the other pregnancies, and I have plenty to compare to, I never got sick so I'm hoping that this one will go the same way. My first check up is on December 20 so I will be just over 9 weeks. I never mentioned my IUD falling out to my doctor so his reaction should be interesting! With the last 4 pregnancies I had intended to quit smoking but just kept being selfish and smoked the whole time but with this one I actually hadn't smoked for about 5 days when I found out because of the cold/sinus stuff so I figured I might as well just stick with it this time and I'm on day 8 with no cigarettes, Bj has even cut way back so that's awesome! I am at a much heavier weight than I want to be starting a pregnancy, 208 lbs at the moment, but there's nothing I can do about that now except try not to gain too much in the next 9 months so that's my goal. Baby is due around July 20th as far as I can tell. The older kids all know and they are pretty excited! They are all trying to help name him or her. Austin suggested Flower for a girl. I told him we'll take it into consideration! They are all great big brothers and sisters so this baby will be super loved!

Baby number five!

So, this detached parent just found out she is going to be blessed again! Yep, that's right, baby number five. Woohoo! I truly am thrilled. I mean, what is there to not be thrilled about? The fact that our youngest is still a baby himself? The fact that I scheduled my first prenatal checkup at the same time as his 12 month check up? Maybe the fact that my husband currently doesn't have a job and I really have no idea when he will again? Or how about the fact that we are supposed to make a huge move across the country just a couple months before this little bundle of joy is due? Yeah, that's all pretty stressful and terrifying.

BUT, I'M GOING TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY WITH THE MAN OF MY DREAMS! YAAAAY!!! We get to add another crazy, awesome personality to our already amazing group of crazy, awesome personalities. And yes, the money thing is going to be tough, but when isn't it? We have a crib, a playpen, a car seat, a walker, a jumperoo, a baby bath...literally all of the essentials since we still have a baby in the house now. That helps a TON. We will still very much be in baby mode as far as diaper changing, bottles, baby food, diaper bag everywhere we go, etc. so that won't be a transition. I'm a stellar mom, of course, so  I should obviously produce one more awesome person to send out into the world as a fabulous, productive adult in 18 years. And my husband and I are really truly in love and neither of us is ever going anywhere so these kids all have a happy, stable, loving home and really, what more do they need? Well, besides food, water, clothing, shelter...you know, the small details.

As far as a plan, we don't have one. We literally spent most of the night "discussing" our options and, while there are actually a few options, we could not agree on which one would be best for us right now. Neither of us has any way of knowing how any potential move will turn out in the end, but we see them going differently I guess. To be fair to us, we did just find out we are having our fifth child and our decision making skills could be suffering slightly from the shock. But, we will figure this out and do the best thing we can for these kids, we always do! As of now, we are on food and medical assistance with the state, which I hate! We have been raising 3-4 kids on poverty level income (well, for the most part, with the exception of 3 months of good income) up until last month with no food assistance, but with him being out of work it was a step we had to take. We have plans to improve our situation and intend to get off of all assistance as soon as possible. I know I don't owe anyone an explanation, but that is something that I am personally struggling with a lot. My husband is planning to go to school, so the next year to 18 months could be pretty rough, but school will be worth any struggle if it improves our lives!

We are excited. I know it seems crazy in our situation to be excited about another mouth to feed, but we are. It's a baby, and how can you not be excited about a baby?!

Soccer Saturdays

At 7 a.m on this lovely Saturday morning I am drinking my coffee with my my very sleepy husband and watching the sun come up. I have already made a pot of coffee, made baby a bottle, switched laundry, gotten dinner out to thaw, and showered. Why on earth would this lazy mama be doing so much so early on a Saturday morning?? Soccer. Early Saturday morning soccer games for my girls. And boy do I love Soccer Saturdays. They usually go something like this....

"Good morning ladies...you ready to play some soccer?" I say sweetly to get them out of bed. Both of them look at me with the same confusion I had just a half an hour earlier when my alarm went of way too damn early on a Saturday morning and they roll out of bed like zombies. I start spouting off orders such as, "Find your soccer jersey!" and "Where are your damn tennis shoes??" or "Please do NOT lick your brother's cheerios off of his high chair tray!" I am scrambling around the house trying to make sure there is ice in the water bottles, that the water jug is full, and that baby is dressed. I start gathering bottles, formula, diapers, wipes, toys for the boys, chairs for us to sit on, the stroller, treats for the soccer team...all while my kids walk around still in a sleepy stupor and fail to find a complete soccer outfit even though I washed their uniforms the night before and laid them out for them! Somehow, we finally manage to get everything ready and after several trips to the car and a few forgotten items we have to run back into the house for, we are ready to leave! Of course we are running at least 15 minutes late at that point but just the fact that my car is in drive and moving feels like a great accomplishment! 

We make it to the field and I let the girls out as close as I can to their playing fields since we are running late and I find a parking spot. I get out and my 4 year old gets out as well. I open the back of the car and begin to "mommy stack" everything (toys, chairs, water bottles, jugs, shin guards that the girls forgot...) so that I can get it all down to the field. As I am doing this my wonderful son is making his way into the parking lot so I have to keep one eye on him while mastering the balancing act. I get baby strapped into the stroller and finally, everything is ready to go! Let's go watch some soccer! Me and the boys make our way onto the field and I start to get the looks. The, "You're an outsider, we don't know you, what are you doing here?" looks. I live in a very small community, everyone knows everyone. I am less than personable on a good day and a complete bitch most days so I don't exactly make my way out to meet new people. I have lived here for two years and can count the people I really know on one hand. So, these pretty, perfect little soccer moms look at me, showing up 15 minutes late in my dirty truck with my crazy kids and my crap all stacked up on my stroller, like I'm some sort of alien. This is such an awesome feeling!! I ignore the looks and try to find a good, safe spot to park us in between the two fields. Of course, my daughters always have over lapping games so I have to try to divide my attention between both games and pray I don't miss a big score or an awesome goalie save from one of them. 

The game is starting! Woohoo, we've made it this far! My 6 year old is up and I'm watching her intently as a good, dedicated mom should do. I'm watching her push the little boy next to her, do summersaults,  practice head stands, fall on the ground randomly, and occasionally attempt to kick the ball if goes in front of her just right! It is entertaining for sure. Halfway through her game the other game starts. I try so hard to pay attention to both but I have to admit the oldest girl's game gets a majority of the attention because of Soccer Nazi! This is the nickname I have given the coach for the opposite team of my daughter's. She stands on the sidelines and screams at her team. You would think she was coaching the U.S. Soccer team in the Olympics she takes this stuff so seriously! This daughter takes things a bit more seriously too, so it is a little more exciting to watch.

By the time both games are over it's hot outside, baby is pissed about being in the heat for so long, and I have pretty much lost my 4 year old. The girls come running over to me and I ask them, "So, did you win?" Both girls respond pretty much the same, "I dunno." "Ok, well did you have fun?" I ask. "YES!" So, I reinstate my balancing act and herd my zoo back to the truck with a big smile on my face because they had fun and that is the whole point of the crazy, hectic, sometimes ridiculous soccer Saturdays!

TGIF...or not!

We are having a WONDERFUL FREAKING day in this house and it's only 8:30. It's going to be a very long day.

    I wake up, look at my phone, and realize that it is two minutes before the girls need to get on the bus. SUPER! I slept through my alarm. So I yell to the kids, "Hurry up! Dressed, teeth, hair, socks and shoes, GO GO GO!" I sleep walk to the sink to make the baby his bottle and find the water is not working?!  REALLY SUPER! I start to panic just a bit...How will the kids brush their teeth? How will I make the baby a bottle? HOW WILL I MAKE MY COFFEE?? Slowly my brain kicks into gear and I remember that I have a full 2 gallon water cooler in the back of my car. Hallelujah! I will have coffee! Oh, and the kids teeth will be clean and the baby will eat. I lovingly wake up my husband with, "Babe! Get up! The water's not working and I need you to go get the water jug out of the car, now please!" With his first-thing-in-the-morning-I-hate-the-world attitude, he goes out and comes back in with the precious water. He seems grumpy and says, "Well, I broke it!" I ask him how the hell he broke the water cooler and he replied, "Not that! The car!" Apparently my handle to open the trunk of my car is now broken. EVEN MORE SUPER!
 
    I believe the answer to all of this is to get back in my bed, pull the blankets over my head, and go to a place in my head where sexy, half-naked men are bringing me pina coladas and there's sand between my toes and waves crashing on the sand. I could stay there all day! But instead I got the kids off to school, I am going to help the hubby try to fix the water, call around for a part for the truck, and brace myself for whatever other craziness this day may have in store for me! Like they say, when it rains it pours!